This month has certainly been a lot less intense, having not been on any drugs or stimulating I have been able to touch base with who I really am! It's only when you step back and reflect on the previous events in your life when you get perspective on what's important and what's not, who's important and who's not!
Being off the drugs have made me realise just how hormonal I really am on them... I am not the real me when I am taking them, it's like I'm in another persons’ body! I have been wondering, was this the right thing to do? I am stuck in a very hard place wondering always if this is the right path to take, I do want a baby so much but it's also about putting yourself first and learning to be selfish! Now is a great time to be selfish and focus on myself. Being off them for the rest of the year may bring me some peace and some clarity, it has already made me feel connected back to who I once was and who I want to be! I don't ever want to lose faith in this process and I want to remain positive and hopeful, I do believe this situation is out of my control but I do have other ways to be in control and it's about finding balance. Do all that you can do and be content in knowing you have done all that you could!
After not taking the medicine, I made a conscious effort to not talk about ovulating or when the time was right for sex, I just wanted to forget the whole process, I have wanted my mind to shut off for such a long time now! What I know about myself even before this journey started if I want something done I do it, if I want something to change I change it, I believe I am a very determined person and I know what I want! In a way I think this attribute has helped me win in many situations in life and will help me in my biggest battles to date! In hindsight this break could have come sooner but it's here now and I'm going to make the most of it! This year has been a constant cycle of anticipation, disappointment, wonder, worry and heart break!
The next few months I'm going to get myself in the best shape possible not just physically but more emotionally, mentally and spiritually to give my body and me the best outcome for success! I have joined the gym again after talking about it for so long, and man does it feel good to be back, I have cut out a lot of dairy products and gluten from my diet. I am yet to cut out chocolate but that is my go to! I have cut caffeine completely from my diet and I couldn't be more excited about that one. Sugars and caffeine affect women with PCOS a lot more than women without this condition as it spikes the sugar levels and hormones in our bodies it plays havoc on insulin levels and can cause anxiety! I don't need this added madness in my life! This also brings me back to my favorite person, Dr Libby! I went to her show the other week where she gave a talk and shared her wonderful information with a room full of beautiful women. It was great to see so many women there and it's encouraging to know so many women out there do want to start taking care of themselves, we all should be doing that, every single day, not waiting until something bad happens in our life which forces change! All the tiny decisions we make in life now affect us for years to come! This includes all the foods and alcohol we put in to our bodies!
Dr Libby spoke about fueling our bodies with " whole foods, organic " as some people would call it! However, she explains there is only food and then there is junk! And this is a great way to look at it! We all know which foods are the good fresh foods we should be eating and we all know how to distinguish between what's junk and what's not! I need to carry on the right path and eat food not junk!
I don't want to get caught up with gluten free diets or dairy free I'm not placing a label on myself, just simply choosing what foods are right for my body by cutting out a good proportion of sugar, diary and gluten foods out from my diet I am feeling much more energised and way less bloated and sick! It's about listening and paying attention to what your body is telling you. We have the control and the power to fuel our bodies so this is where I can help my situation!
My ways of thinking has certainly changed, I now have shifted my focus from baby thinking because I know there is a bigger picture, this is now a journey. It is my journey, I am on this ride for however long it may take. This is about finding myself and working through the puzzle, I have asked the question what is going to make me happy! Yes the answer is a baby, we all know that but… moving away from that "what is going to make me happy"? Well in all fairness I have already done it, all the little things you change in your life when you listen, serve the greatest purpose! It would have been one of the hardest things I have yet to do, but it has been the biggest life changer not only for myself, John and our future baby! I prioritised myself and saved my energy for me! Going part time in my job has made the world of difference! My determination will pay off, this is what I needed to do in order to have a baby, instead of running around after everybody else, having plans being committed to everything, by not wanting to let others down or say no! I am already reaping the benefits, I am no longer fatigued or too tired to cook dinner! I haven't used all my energy up! I have noticed a huge difference in how I see the world now, I have less anxiety I am less depressed!
I now am more alive than I ever was before! I now know I am enough and I have enough to give! I am the happy person that John fell in love with, I have enough of myself to give some back! John is the most amazing caring person I could ever have, he is with me every step of the way through this whirlwind journey! I wish nothing more to one day look back on this journey and remember just how much we love one another and how strong we have united since this whole thing begun! Looking forward to our future doesn't have to be a scary process with this journey, I will remain optimistic, hopeful and I will continue to pursue my dream!
I hope for anyone who is reading my blogs and feels like they need to make change, they too can have the courage and the confidence to do so! It's time to put yourself first and gain some form of control!
These girls have my back always!
with them by my side, anything is possible xX
"if the plan doesn't change, change the plan, but NEVER the goal! "