I have been reading a book called Memories From Heaven! Written by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer and Dee Garnes!
I'm not a religious person and I don't go to church or pray but I am a very intuitive, optimistic person who is very open and accepting to everything. I was given this book to read from a dear friend of mine and from the moment I opened the book I was hooked and I had to keep reading until the end! The chapter that caught my attention the most was the chapter " Memories of Choosing Parents" it was about children recalling that they had chosen their parents! Before they were born! There is one story that absolutely blew me away! A lady (Mum) had written a conversation she had with her daughter one night! This is her story...
I had a termination while receiving a treatment for a back problem, and it broke my heart. Years later my back healed and I had a beautiful baby girl. When she was two years old she was sitting with a book and looked up at me and said," Mummy, you sent me back the first time round because you had a sore back, but I came back when your back was better".
This story amazes me and has me very curious and interested Could this be the case? Could children choose their parents?! I would like to say I chose my parents because I know for sure I wouldn't want anybody else to be my Mum and Dad, so maybe I did chose them and at the right time – however, they may not think my brother or myself came along at the right time, but maybe someone had other ideas! We definitely changed their life completely! And for the better 😀
I wonder if my baby is just waiting to choose me! Is it possible that it's not my time to meet my baby yet?!
I have so many questions and u answered worries and concerns regarding my fertility journey! One thing I have learnt really fast is to remain hopeful, optimistic and positive! Miracles do happen, I read them, I see them all the time! I'm waiting for my miracle and I will never give up! Stories like these give me hope that there are greater things happening in the world beyond our control and maybe, just maybe, my baby is out there waiting to meet me when they see me!
I know some may think that is absolute bull but hey each to their own! For me it gives me some sort of faith that it will happen for me. I hold on to all these stories, I love hearing about the amazing women out there going through this rough journey finally announcing their little miracles years later! Because to me it still feels beyond my reach.
I have decided to give myself a break, my body, mind and soul a break from all the drugs, from all the tests and anticipation, the stress that comes with a monitored drug cycle and the heaviness it weighs on my heart when I'm not successful time and time again! This time was the worst time by far, but also the best - I have a lot of mixed feelings around this cycle! My dose got upped which changed all my hormones, my body responded well and things where definitely changing and working. My pimples were out of control and I was told on day 21 I had ovulated and had a very high number - a reading of 61.3, this is double the reading I was getting when I first started this journey so I am getting promising results! My body certainly did some very strange things that also lead me to believe that potentially my body had allowed me to conceive, but yet again the disappointment strikes when my period turns up! This time the blow of my period arriving was not enough I had to have the worst period of my life, the drugs that were increased lead me to have such high progesterone levels that messed me about that when my period arrived it came with cramps and headaches that left me bed ridden for two days!
Yes, I should be glad that my body is now deciding to do these things somewhat on their own, my periods are now arriving without a pill, however I am now going to twist things up by taking a break from all these drugs and test my body naturally! Also, just to get some sort of life back!
This year has gone by so fast and now it is October, I can barely remember that this was supposed to be the best year of my life! In March I married my best friend, and I have realised that this should have been a year to remember, to look back on and be happy! I was asked recently what does it look like if you were outside of your body and you were looking at yourself? My response to this even shocked myself! I said that if I was to look back at me I would not even recognice the person that got married in March, that person was happy, that person had everything she could have wanted and I was so naive about what I was about to embark on! I said I was the colour grey, and I felt trapped!
This is when I realised that I need to change this opinion of myself, I have a lot of work to do on myself about learning to love me, this has always been very hard, a lot harder now that my body is completely failing me and not working the way it should! But to feel complete and grounded I need to work on this and discover a way to love myself! This three-month break may be just what I need, it's just what the Doctor asked for really. I need time to gather myself and find who I really am again, have fun and enjoy the rest of the year that we have left and spend some quality time with friends and family.
Festive season is upon us and it's time to enjoy the sun and a few wines here and there!
"Be thankful for what you are now, and keep fighting for what you want to be tomorrow"