Sometimes all it takes is a little hand reaching for yours, to remind you how lucky you are!

wow 2017 October the 28th I found out I was pregnant ! It was extremely over whelming and scary that whole thrill of finding out and being excited was taken away with fear and anticipation of the un known. As we tried for so long to get to this point

In our case we never got to experience a surprise your pregnant !! 

 shit I’m pregnant 😱 

omg how did that happen ! 

Opps that wasn’t planned 

There was a plan , there was action , there was medications , dr appointments , specialists , acupuncture , Reiki , homeopathic remedies , naturopath , blood tests , scans , and hospital visits become such a norm for me , nurses at med lab new my name and why I was there and I had a specialist on speed dial  

Every waking moment was consumed about finding ways that would increase my chances , I would read , search the internet , talk to as many people as I could to help point me in the right direction to get pregnant  ! You could say it consumed me for quite some time ! I was invested in wanting to be pregnant , I wanted that baby so much I was determined to be heard seen and listened too..

Everyone has a story and a journey they embark on when it comes to fertility ! Not one shoe fits all! I was taught from a very early age , once you have sex you will get pregnant ! So avoid that shit !! the pill is a must and I was young and clueless and labeled an age on when I wanted my first child ! I put so much pressure on myself , my body and I hated myself for years when I couldn’t give John the child that he wanted! 

One of the biggest lessons I have learnt is you have no control! The sad reality about this world is shit things happen ! And shit things happen to externally amazing people !! 

I have friends who have lost babies and friends who can’t have babies , I have friends that have babies but can no longer add to their families ! 

Everyone out there is fighting there own battles and navigating their own  journey have met so many amazing , strong and lovely people along my journey , those who I have met And come across while sharing mine ,  I am forever grateful for!! 

As I sit here and i think back to the emotional roller coaster we went on to receiving the miracle that is now our beautiful girl Frankie I know how incredibly Lucky we got and what a privilege it is to be able to experience being a mum ! There is not a day goes by that I don’t stop and pinch myself ! 

I now have a 16 month old girl and she is the light of our life ! My world is complete , she is everything I ever dreamed off ! When I look forward to the future I don’t really see past the here and now because for me I have the world !  I have been blessed with an amazing little girl and she is my future , I can’t look ahead or plan for tomorrow , my energy and time is on her right now.

I have been asked will you have another baby , or when are you having another baby ! That is a question I do not have an answer too , that is out of my control and that frightens me !! 

I don’t know what the future holds for our family and when we will be able to add to it , I know that I can put the best possible steps in place to help and assist my body ! I am on an amazing health journey that has been transforming and shaping me into the Person I am today ! 

What i do know is in order to conceive your body should be in ultimate health your going to be carrying another human for nine months it is physically demanding and the baby sucks all your nutrition from you , so as mum you should be fueling your body with whole food nutrition as  Healthier Mums definitely have healthier babies, our bodies go through so much in the nine months , rapid tissue growth , hormonal changes and oxidative stress 

We need to keep on top of our Nutrient intake and keep our self and our babies nutrient rich at the most important time of their lives. I love that I have found a product that is natural and provides the nutrition I need to be placing inside my body to help and assist with my next journey in planning for another baby !! They  are simply bioavailable phytonutrients which are absorbed into the bloodstream as Mother Nature intended. 

Our wonderful whole food based capsules are not only safe but are highly recommended for pregnant & breastfeeding Mums I am so glad I found them when I did ! I was breastfeeding , depleted and zombie like, they provided me with the energy’ and nutrition I needed back in my diet and assisted me in being the mum that I wanted to be ! I can’t wait to have them working away inside while i prepare for the future ! 

I only want to share my own experiences in the hope it will help others , I feel like it doesn’t just take a village to raise a child it takes a village to conceive a baby. 

I want to be able to help and support anyone going through a tough time , I want you to know your not alone and you don’t ever have to walk the journey by yourself! What I do know is I am a great listener and my heart is always open for you 💕 I want to encourage others and provide hope, to never stop dreaming and to fight for what you want.

first birthday shoot

I am rich in love and happiness

October 22nd 2017 was the day I found out I was pregnant! Frankie you where just the tinniest little speck, i found out very early the doctor said a week or two pregnant so it was another long wait to see progress.

My draws stacked with pregnancy tests I decided to give it one last attempt for the year ! I had decided to take a break and wait for 2018 ! 

Never in a million years did I expect to see what I saw... the lines on the pregnancy test where barely visible, I showed my parents, I showed John and we all didn’t get our hopes up but I knew that I was not seeing things and the faint line had to of meant something! I repeated to John you can not get a fake positive..  

it was a stressful next few days as I had to wait for bloods to check the hcg level and i continued to pee on the remaining pregnancy tests in my draws as the days went by the lines become stronger and by the end of the week it was clear as day that I finally had my two pink lines.

The weeks went very slow in the build up to see if you where here to stay ! I finally got to see you on the screen at six weeks 6 days, you where so tiny and small we had to wait a few more weeks to check again and at eight weeks we heard your heart beat clear as day 😀 that moment was un believable. The look on johns face will be a sight i will never forget it was like a weight of a thousand ton of bricks had been taken of him, we where both so thrilled and excited but also so very very scared to get to attached.

 Frankie you have been in our lives since that very moment and now you are four months old , you are one of the happiest bubs I know , your constant smiles and your outbursts of happy delightful screams melt my heart everyday , it’s the best kind of sound .. I feel very blessed you had chosen me to be your mummy and I will always do my absolute best to be the best mum for you each and every day. You have taught me so much already, I can’t wait to be on this next journey with you as you embark on your learning adventures. I am so excited to watch you grow and discover the world around you. 

As a parent to be I had all these theories of how it might look to have a baby and what I didn’t want to happen or to happen and then in reality you end up doing things you thought you never would just to make your day or your night bearable! I have quickly learnt never to judge anyone’s parenting skills as everyone of us is out there trying to navigate their way through parent hood! All babies are different and are all very individual. I new from day one Frankie was a very strong determined little. ( not so little ) girl she’s always been very active , inquisitive and lould, she loves people and being awake !! She is starting to interact and play with her toys now and loves a good chat just like her mumma! Frankie will continue to grow and change through her developmental leaps and I will be there to support her through them in every way ! Some nights are very very long and now some days are too but I have learnt to embrace it and run with her needs, if she needs me through the night I will be there, before I know it I will look back at the time I spent with her awake in the middle of the night and miss it! 

Motherhood is an amazing journey in itself , it’s not as easy as you imagine it would be , I don’t know why I thought it would be hahaha .. it’s a lot of Fun though and I can’t believe I’m living it.  I love my little family and it’s only the start I can not wait to watch all of Frankie’s firsts

So watch this space..

“Family where life begins and love never ends.” 

The day I met Frankie May Luxton

Well I thought I better jump on here and write a current blog update! As the 12 week mark nears I sit here and I wonder where the time has gone ! It’s true when people say the days are fast but the nights are slow, boy are they correct ! These last few months have flown by never have I had time vanish before my eyes !

I look at Frankie daily and I steer a little longer at her beautiful little face because every single day that goes by she becomes a day older , a day I will never ever get back ! 

Frankie arrived on the 27th of June 2018 I had a due date of the 10th of July but I always new she would make an appearance earlier one way or the other ! 

My obstetrician had me booked in for a scan on the 27th to see what we where going to do !! 

I had a high Chance that I may need to have an elected c section due to measuring quite big ! Or to be induced and get her out earlier then the due date ! 

I didn’t quite get to have that scan to determine what we should be doing ! 

I went into labour on the Tuesday the day prior to the scan , naturally .. I woke up Tuesday and started my day as nothing was wrong I was quite busy and had a few things to do so I went into town to start the day , I went into my work to see the girls , I even joked with them that I might go in to labour later on .. not really knowing that this was soon going to be my reality. I Carried on and met my mum for lunch, during lunch I started to feel a bit funny , I told my mum I didn’t feel to good and that maybe something was happening .. I kind of blocked it out and thought nothing off it and continued on with the next thing to do .. I was off for a massage I had been going to pregnancy massages as my back caused me a lot of trouble carrying Frankie ! Half way through the massage I started to get this pain and it got more and more intense as the massage went on , after some time I asked if we could time the pain as I stated to realise they where probably contractions ! And yes they were they where lasting 1 minute and they where about five to seven minutes apart !! I still didn’t believe it I thought it was my mind and body playing tricks on me .. after the massage I went to the super market to get some groceries and that’s when I knew something was up I couldn’t get around the isle with out breathing funny and pausing for a squat ! Yet I said to my self just drive home you will be alright! 

I decided to text my Dr and tell him what I was experiencing I didn’t hear back from him for a bit so  I decided I’ll drive back home ! I got just out of New Plymouth when he messaged back and told me to go to the hospital . So I turned around and drove myself to the hospital ! After the  examination he informed me that I was four cm's dilated and I was in fact in pre labour !! 😱 

I lay on the bed after they left the room, I took a deep breath and I said holy shit Frankie I get to meet you soon !  I took a minute to gather myself and then I called John my husband who was still at work I told him he needed to come to the hospital because Frankie has decided to join the family! 

We got comfortable in our room and I finally met my mid wife , she was amazing it was pretty funny meeting someone for the first time and having them become so intimate with you ! But I couldn’t of asked for a better team of professionals that looked after me that night ! They where all Truly amazing ! 

 I had planned that I wanted to have a bath for a bit though my labour and also just hang out on the Swiss ball and bounce around listening to my calming music from The Hypnobirthing sound track !  John and I walked the corridors of the hospital I went and had dinner in the cafe , I made a friend come to the hospital to deliver a phone charger I was really calm and I was really ready and happy that I was about to meet my mini me !! 

However the night started to turn to morning and nothing much was happening , everything was intensifying but I wasn’t progressing along like I should have been and just before I was ready to go in the bath something happened which is un explained I had a terrible pain shoot across my stomach which Alarmed the mid wife and she made the decision that I was unable to go in the bath and I then had to me hooked up and monitored ! Which was the best call of the day as the monitor showed Frankie’s heart rate and my stats and I started to become very dehydrated so they began trying to get a line in me , this did not go so well and every attempt failed .. on the 10th attempt after calling the anesthetist down to my room we finally had a line in ... this was needed for what came next .. 

after some time my Dr came back to check on me my progress was very slow and he decided to break my waters for me .. this happened really quickly and from then everything went into over drive Frankie had pooed inside me and was distressed this was shown on the monitor as her heart rate was up and down.. my Dr made the quick decision and started preparing me for a c section .. so many doctors and nurses flooded the room, it is all pretty intense and over whelming you don’t really get a chance to even ask a question my contractions where in full swing now and it was getting hard to stay still on the bed when everyone was trying to do their part , I got wheeled down to theater and John had to stay out of the room while I got the epidural and prepped ready on the table it all happened so fast , John was then allowed in and was holding my hand , I remember lying there and thinking to myself how strange it was that I was laying here cut open and in any minute I was about to hear my baby cry , and see my baby for the first time ! I was a bit stunned and very over whelmed ! I felt the tugging and the pressure and I remembered just looking at John for reassurance that every thing was alright , and then I heard her , she let out a big cry and I was so relieved  to hear that  cry , the Dr brought Frankie around to see me and I gave her a Kiss ! I saw her and she was beautiful she looked like her daddy.  It was hard laying there afterwards when they took her away from me , I had expectations that i was going to do skin on skin but sometimes things do not always go to plan , lucky enough Frankie was able to have skin on skin with John while they waited for me to come out into recovery ! I felt like it took a million hours laying there getting stitched back together ! I just wanted them to hurry up so that I could get out with my family ! 

Never in a million years did I think that was going to be my birth story yet no one know what’s install for them! Everyone has a story and I think all women are truly incredible for what we endure by carrying our babes and birthing them ! It’s hard work and we are all so brave and powerful for doing it !! when it comes to birthing you have to have an open mind, you can not go in with a pre determined mind set of how you are going to deliver your baby... i had shared how i wanted it to plan out, but i was prepared for anything to occur. in my case it did and i was un successful in having the natural delivery i wanted to experience, but i am so thankful Frankie is here safe and healthy. The best decisions where made that night for me and for Frankie and i wouldn't have it any other way now!! 

  I would do it ten times over to have another you !! But not quite yet !! Frankie you light up my life ! I new i would love you yet I didn’t know how it would feel ..  it’s amazing to have a little person that needs you and depends on you ! A little person that loves you back every single day ! It’s amazing to watch her change week by week ! It’s incredible to think that Frankie is a little bit of me and a little bit of the man I love the most ! Babies are the best gift anyone could ever receive they truly are a blessing and I will never take her for granted ! 

I longed to have Frankie for such a long time and now she is here with us, I can’t wait to create memories with her and with my little family, soak up all her goodness and love her unconditionally! all the tears shed and all the journey to meeting you, was worth every cent, every doctor appointment, every set back every roller coaster emotion, with out the journey It would never of led me to you! 

Frankie May Luxton you are my biggest achievement x   

                                                                    My family

My journey - Being Pregant

I thought it might be nice to document some of my pregnancy as a reminder of what it was like to carry my little girl! In a few short months my pregnancy journey will most probably be the biggest blur and I won’t even remember if I had breakfast. I will be running around doing Mum life 👍
 
I still remember the day I found out I was pregnant. That day will stay vivid in my memory forever as there were many waves of emotions going on. I was so scared and, to be honest, that feeling never went away it only grew stronger as the weeks went by and the months ticked over, scared to fall in love and have you taken away from us again! However, you stuck around and you let me be your Mumma and I will be forever grateful, my journey to meeting you has only made my love for you more intense!
 
It took me so long to believe that I was pregnant, for weeks and weeks I waited for any sign to know you were setting up home inside me. I waited for the morning sickness, the tiredness, the sore boobs and nothing came! This was so very alarming for me as I actually wanted to experience this! Who actually wishes they were sick?! It sounds ridiculous but for me it would have provided reassurance and made me feel normal and to know you were safe and sound where you ought to be!
 
Weeks went by and months passed and I became one of the lucky ones who skipped the shitty part of pregnancy; I never spewed or felt ill, I actually felt really healthy and so incredibly happy to be carrying such a beautiful miracle. It was hard for me to believe I was pregnant apart from my ever growing appetite and expanding tummy that started popping out after I hit the 3 month mark! John and I decided to keep this pregnancy quite secret until I felt like I was ready to let the world know!
 
I have been under an Obstetrician/Gynaecologist throughout my entire pregnancy. I opted not to go down the midwife track and stay seeing the doctor that helped us meet our little girl by providing us a shoulder to lean on, and drugs to take and different avenues to go down! I never felt like I was a burden to him and he always cared. I have so much trust and faith in my doctor, he has really helped ease my mind and my fears that have come to mind during my pregnancy! Through all the bad times and the rough fertility start I can say it has not all been for nothing, I have meet incredible people. Hands down anyone dealing with fertility issues I take my hat off to you. Most go through this journey alone and in silence, but I have learnt that doesn’t have to be the case with 1 in 6 couples experiencing the same situation, we can all learn a lot from others and also lift and support one another through tough times!
 
I have loved being pregnant, it is a true blessing. It’s incredible what a human body can do, how it can grow another life it completely blows my mind that your child is a genetically made from you and parts of the one person in the world you love the most! No wonder you fall completely in love with this little embryo from day dot!
 
Nine months of waiting and anticipating what you may look like, who you might take after and getting to know you from the outside is finally coming to an end. In such a short time I will finally get to meet you and I cannot be more excited for your arrival!
 
My pregnancy has been pretty straight forward - through having an Obstetrician I have been closely monitored from day one and he has remained on speed dial and just a text away. I have had 10 scans all up, which is actually a lot considering I think with a midwife you may have two or three. I am definitely not complaining! These scans have made me grow closer and connected every time I see you!
 
From week 20 I started to get extremely tired, I would be napping all the time, I would say I felt exhausted! Getting through the work day was a struggle, my blood pressure was starting to drop and become quite low at times, I would feel dizzy and if I hadn’t eaten very well or much for the day my body would feel it! I started to feel faint, I went for a walk down the farm and I ended up fainting and waking up on the gravel path, to my dog licking my ear! I couldn’t even ring anyone to come help me as I had no reception so when I came around I was able to walk back home. I went into the hospital and we ran some tests, at this stage nothing was showing up to why this may have happened! So, I went home to look after myself, it then happened again at 26 weeks and I fainted. This time the testing showed that my iron levels where dropping which was causing me to feel so tired and faint! I was then given an iron infusion where the iron was injected into my blood stream through a drip. After this infusion I felt ten times better, less tired for sure I just needed to keep my intake of food up as when I felt hungry was also when I felt weak which would be my blood pressure dropping!
I felt so lucky to have a doctor looking after me in this situation as he set me up with what I needed straight away, there was no waiting around.
 
As the weeks went by my tummy grew and grew, I have a massive basketball shape tummy which is measuring big for my dates. This became a concern for my doctor and he followed up with a second gestational diabetes test to see if I had diabetes. These results came back fine which means I am just carrying a bigger baby! At 34 weeks the measurements showed little miss being the size of someone who should be 36 -37 weeks pregnant! Showing a big head and a big stomach! Taking after her daddy already!
 
It’s going to be very interesting what weight she is when she is born and what she may look like, will she have those chubby cheeks and thighs that I am imagining her to have?!
 
I sit here as I write this at 37 weeks pregnant, which could also be 38 weeks as due all my current measurements my due dates could be a little off.  You have now made your way into my pelvis and you are sitting right where you need to be! My doctor said you are in the best possible position for birth and all we are waiting on is for you to engage. You can do this whenever you are ready little one because I am well in truly ready for you! I am so excited to meet you, I keep sending out positives vibes for you to make your arrival into this world a positive one all we can do is hope for a easy transition from your home for nine months to the big wide world.  
 
You, baby girl, will change my life forever, you are what my dreams consist of and I can’t wait for you to be my reality!

"we loved you before we knew you, even when there was just hope for you- we LOVED YOU" 

                                         Embrace the journey that is new life! 

Fertility awareness

Wow I can hardly believe that I am sitting here 30 weeks pregnant and only 10 weeks out from meeting our little miracle! If you had asked me this time last year about what was instore for me I never thought I would be where we are now! John and I were all prepared to start our IVF journey in April and now it is May and I am six months pregnant! I am one of the lucky ones - our little miracle has happened through other medication and intervention and we are very blessed and fortunate that this did work for us. For others the road is hard and long. 

I didn’t ask to get my infertility issues or my health issues yet with everything that has happened to me I see it as some sort of blessing, it has taught me so much about myself. I have learnt more about myself in the last few years than I think I ever would have if none of this didn’t happen to me! 

No one asks to get sick from cancer and suffer, or even face a long cruel drawn out death! We have to carry on living our lives the best way we can and continue to grow and make the best life we can out of the situations that arise and what horrible things may happen to us! If there is anything that this journey has taught me, it is that you learn so much about yourself, you gain strength, courage you never thought you had and you become brave. You discover that being brave is the only option you have to keep moving forward! You gain greater respect for other humans, their journeys, their lives, I have learnt to be more appreciative of what I have and what I want out of life! You learn to empathise with others and share in their journeys! And somehow want to delve into helping them along their way! 

I started writing my blog in order for me to have some sanity through the roller coaster that is infertility. I did not do it out of wanting fame or sympathy!  I wanted to reach out to others who were on their own journeys and be a sounding board for ones who wish not to speak or find it hard to share. In writing my blog I was able to give myself the therapy I was needing, I needed to vent, to talk and express my emotions and my deepest thoughts, my worries and my concerns! I needed to voice them in order to set them all free!!  This is the type of person that I am! And I have learnt that about myself! 

In knowing this about myself I was able to do something great! I can turn my infertility journey into something positive and detach the stigma away from not wanting to talk about infertility, miscarriage and IVF! These topics are daunting for most, yet 1 in 6 couples have to face it during their life span. It is their reality. 

Other people may not know what others are going though in their quest to conceive, we live in a harsh reality that words do hurt and do leave emotional scars that over time slowly build up and build up! For many years I was asked when are you going to have a baby, or why have you not had a baby yet?! For some the reality is they may never be able to have their own baby, carry their own baby or ever have a child of their own genetics! It’s a cruel world out there with me often wondering why some people who don’t want to have kids end up with them yet the ones who would do anything and sacrifice anything to get one, never get the chance!  

Infertility is no joke, it’s a massive burden and strain on a couples’ relationship it takes its toll on every aspect, I honestly wouldn’t wish is upon my worst enemy! The emotional stress and strain it does to an individual is unreal and until you walk a day in their shoes I don’t think anyone could ever compare it!

I guess when I talk about Fertility I feel very strongly about advocating for women who are facing their journey and quest to becoming a Mum! I have meet so many amazing women through my own journey, through my blogs I have been able to be completely honest and raw, by doing this I have gained trust from strangers and even people I know! I have made many new friends and they have been able to open up to me and share their journeys, some may have never thought they would tell! I am honestly blown away by how much feedback and contact I receive since writing my blog and sharing my own journey! I only ever wanted great things to come from this and by being able to help others and sharing our journeys together it makes me extremely humbled and blessed to feel like I have and can make a difference by just speaking out! 

I honestly feel so empowered by others to want to make a Change in this world! I have been thinking for quite some time about what I want to do next and where I want to go with this. And after many discussions with my close friends and others I have come to a conclusion that the awareness of infertility for women and for men is just not out there! Yes, I said men! There are plenty of people who just assume or believe it’s the women who may be infertile, yet men can also and it’s becoming more and more common! 

If there is no awareness how are these men and women going to know what’s instore for them later down the track when it comes to making babies?! 

I have thought about my own journey to finding out about my fertility and health issues and I believe if I was taught earlier and was provided with more information I would have got on top of my issues a lot earlier! When I was at primary school we were spoken to about getting a period but not really about what might be occurring if you do not get a period! So here I was waiting and waiting for my period to arrive - 16 is very late to be waiting for a period to arrive and then straight away I was so excited! I was classed as normal I went straight on the pill because that’s what everyone was doing back in the day, and girls may still be doing this! I then skipped my period and played havoc with my body all through my teenage years! In the back of mind I knew my cycles where never right yet I hadn’t been taught ways to know what could be happening. When I decided to eventually take myself off the pill after realising it was not working out for me, it was only a chat with my older friends that alarmed me that having a period every 6-8 months wasn’t that normal! Especially when everyone around me knew what date their period would arrive on! 

Lucky I was still young when I decided to go to specialists and sort myself out! Others may not be so lucky and leave it until much later! During my high school years I believe we had a sex education class which mainly gave me the shits and shared me half to death and I had it in my head that if I had sex with a guy I would fall pregnant straight away! I was so afraid of this as it was made out that having sex and making a baby is extremely easy and that girls and guys are fertile as hell! Yes this might be the case for most but for the 1 in 6 of us out there this is not the case yet we were never spoken to or informed about this! I feel there needs to be more information and awareness for teens and the younger generation. There needs to be a talk designed based around the reality of what could be happening if you do not have normal periods. There needs to be information provided around Endo and PCOS need to be spoken about more! Hormone imbalances and even just talking about infertility and conceiving in general! 

  I would love to know others’ opinions on this? And if anyone has any idea on how I could make this happen it would be much appreciated! 

Knowledge is power!

The Real Talk!

No one is ever prepared for anything that happens! You can think you
are prepared, you may act like you have it all together. You have
worked out and played many scenarios over and over in your head! You
can talk yourself into being prepared but I don’t think anyone is ever
prepared for what life throws your way!

God I thought I was prepared! I have dreamed of the one day that I was
pregnant and that I was going to be able to embrace all the amazing
and beautiful things that come along with pregnancy! I thought I was
prepared for everything under the sun! But no, I was very wrong! I
don’t think anyone can prepare you for how you are going to feel, how
your body is going to change, how you are mentally, emotionally and
physically going to have to respond and cope with all these changes
that happen!

Do not get me wrong this blog is not at all about how pregnancy is
hard, because to me it is not , I can say I have found this pregnancy
an amazing beautiful experience and I have been very blessed to have a
little one that hasn’t made me incredibly sick! Because then I may not
love being pregnant! I want to shout out to all the amazing women out
there that carry all these little miracles we call our pride and joy!
It’s a hard road at times and boy do you yourself grow as a human!

One day there comes a point in your life that you don’t come first!
And I believe that is the day you become a Mum, not they day you
physically get to hold your baby but the day you find out you are
growing another human being! The person you have taken care of your
whole life becomes second to the new life inside you and your focus
shifts to wanting to give this little human the best life you possibly
can! Buying items for yourself, clothes or make up, the essentials,
the non-essentials become a thing of the past. All you can think about
is wanting to provide for this baby and get everything you possibly
can and want for this new life you have created!

Sometimes your energy is so focused on this little human being or just
getting through each day! Your body is so emotionally exhausted, your
relationships start to become second best and everything goes on the
back burner! Your days consist of always working and failing to
communicate!

You need to have one of those moments in life where you have the real
talk, the talk that shifts your thinking and brings you back to
reality! For me this talk comes from my husband! He’s a man of few
words, however when he does talk, he can pull me back in to line
pretty quickly!

Since becoming pregnant our lives have been pretty full on, everyone’s
life’s are pretty chaotic these days! I don’t know anyone who could
say their life is plain and boring, we all have shit going on! Most of
us all have private shit going on that we are hiding behind closed
doors! No one’s life that they have created for themselves has ever
come easy, we all have a story and somewhere to grow from!

Amongst the excitement of finding out our little baby is a girl! I got
pretty caught up in wanting to buy her everything under the sun, and
give her all the nice clothes and provide her with a nice nursery! I
got so swooped up in it all, spending hours on my phone researching
and following other mums that had little girls and who too have
provided beautiful nursery’s for their little ones and brought all the
head bands, dresses and what not! I got myself all wound up about
needing to give her all this! Yet after some realisation and a little
bit of a talk with my husband these little things are just little
things! They are not essential to my little girl’s growth or
development!

If I don’t have the money, which I don’t have the money…. I shouldn’t
get myself disheartened that she may not have the nursery you see on
Instagram or on Pinterest! She may not have the expensive branded
clothing that some of you might spend your whole pay check on! I have
now realised that this stuff is just stuff and it will always be
stuff!!

While I was studying I learnt a lot I researched for many years about
the importance of the early years and we all know that the first three
years in a child’s life are the most crucial... Those first three
years are about nurturing, and caring for your baby not about
providing them with stuff that they don’t give two shits about! They
don’t care what clothes they are wearing, they only care that they
have clothes to wear , they do not care where they live as long as
they have somewhere to live, they do not care who loves them, as long
as they do have someone that loves them!

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is a motivational theory in physiology he
talks about the five tier model of human needs each has a level within
a Pyramid. They are self-actualisation, esteem, love\belonging, safety
and physiological!

Physiological and biological needs are the essentials - air, food,
shelter, sleep and warmth! These are the essentials I need to be
worried about providing for my little baby! These are the important
aspects that I need to get right in her life!

Safety needs, protection, security and freedom. Our little girl needs
to feel safe and protected she needs to know that she is loved!

Love and belongingness, friendship, trust, acceptance, affection and
love. I will devote myself fully to my little girl who will know every
day how much she is loved and wanted and provide her with the
acceptance she needs to grow as a capable, confident young person!

Esteem needs - mastering achievement, independence and respect! I will
spend my days respecting her needs, watching her independence and
fostering her development, respecting her to develop in her time and
space!

Self-actualisation needs! Realising full potential, self-fulfilment,
and personal growth! I will spend my life encouraging my little girl
to reach her full potential, I will be proud of her daily, and be her
biggest cheerleader!

If I follow Maslow’s needs during the years I am blessed to be my
little ones Mum I think I will be happy and fulfilled myself!
Sometimes in life you get so caught up with just what you think people
want you to see! Everyone needs to take a step back in life and look
at the bigger picture. Don’t always look at the picture in the squares
on insta and think your life needs to look like theirs! Don’t think
you need to justify how you raise your child to anyone! Other people
don’t live your life, you live your life!

Raise your child how you want, do what’s right for your family! What’s
right for my family may not be right four your family or your
circumstance!

I know what’s important now and what’s not. I know my core philosophy
to raising my baby girl and I will stick by this! We as a family will
sacrifice many things to give our little girl the best life we
possibly can, if our little miss doesn’t have the coolest clothes on
during the day, yet she gets my devoted attention and my love each and
every day for the first year of her life! That’s a win in my eyes! I’m
sure little miss won’t mind if she misses out on having a beautiful
nursery! If I don’t have the money to do these things for her, I
shouldn’t care, she won’t miss out!

I guess I just wanted to share to all the amazing mums and mum's to be
out there, don’t get caught up in all the unwanted thoughts that might
arise during your pregnancy! Don’t stress about not being able to
provide all the pretty things! Just be the best Mum you can be and
your child will thank you for that!

I also want to highlight your husband, during your pregnancy you may
forget about your husband for a while! Life takes over! Your sickness,
you’re spewing, you’re burping, you’re farting, and your fat growing
tummy may disgust him! Yet don’t forget you two love one another and
it was two before three! You wouldn’t have your little miracle without
him, so don’t forget about him! Talk to him, acknowledge him and make
sure he is okay!!

John and I have been quite distant due to lack of communication, we
have forgot to use our words, words are so important we need to hear
that our love ones love us, we need to feel affection otherwise we
start to think they may not love us anymore! It wasn’t until John and
I had a blow up when we decided to talk about how we were both
feeling! Your feelings are so important they need to be shared, heard
and appreciated!

I got a lot out of our blow up and we were able to communicate with
one another! I learnt a lot from John expressing his emotions and his
feelings! You can’t just keep guessing how someone feels, you need to
hear it! John shared with me that he is nervous and scared in becoming
a dad! This made me cry like a little baby! Because I didn’t know this
is the way he felt! He has nothing to be afraid of as he is going to
be the most amazing dad in the world and our little girl wouldn’t have
picked him otherwise! It’s not just a change for the Mum and the mum’s
body! These nine months of pregnancy prepare the man just as much as
the women for the new life they have created!

I have no doubt that John will be a great dad and a great help to me
as a first time Mum, I’m not sacred at all for our little miss to come
into our life’ ! She has already made my life the best life possible!

"The best things in life, are NOT things! " 

Shout out to this man, who still gives me butterflys!

We where two before three!  remember to always love and show love! 

Gender Reveal :)

When your young and planning your life like I did all the time ! I would have a specific age and stage to my life plan... a lot of that got thrown out the window as I grew up and soon realised life isn’t so straight forward, you can not control the world and some of the outcomes that life throws your way! 

I had a vision that I would always be a young mum ! I joked and said 25 would be a great age for me ! Not even realising at this time and stage of my life my body wasn’t even prepared for a baby, I didn’t know the road the was ahead of me. 

Life is sometimes about timing , it didn’t happen for me any earlier and it didn’t happen when I was 25! I had to work hard to get pregnant and work hard for what I wanted.  At the age of 25 I most probably wasn’t even ready for what I was about to embark on! Timing worked it’s way out and I am now going to be welcoming into the world a beautiful baby at the ripe age of 27 I couldn’t be more ready for the next chapter my life ( our ) life! I feel complete. 

When I was growing up I always imagined having a baby boy first and I always longed for that to happen, I wanted a boy and then a girl ! I think that was a picture I had created for myself as I had a brother and then their was  me ! I loved our childhood , it was always me and my big bro against the world ! He was the best brother , and still to this day he is the greatest ! Looking after me , watching over me, teaching me and encouraging me ! I always imagined I would raise my kids like how I was raised ! The brother looking after the sister ! I always through I would automatically carry a boy first and that’s the way it would be ! 

• Funny enough the moment I found out I was pregnant and everything was okay and cleared by the doctors I said to John ! I know I am having a GIRL  ! I just knew she was here for me i felt it, to help me and to be my best friend! She doesn’t need a brother to do that for her ! Our little miss is going to be fierce , strong and brave she will always have me backing her 100% and I will love her with everything I have! 

So with that I would like to announce that our little babe is a GIRL and we couldn’t be more in love ! Both John and I are thrilled with the news of a baby girl and I already know she is my best friend and daddies little princess ! Our hearts a bursting and our faces are filled with smiles ! I can not wait to meet our Beautiful little girl, who I know will fill our life with joy! She is the icing on the cake to my beautiful life! 

“Such a big miracle in such a little girl “ 

We are having a GIRL !! :) 

Pregnancy and all it's glory!

Well I should probably update you all on what happened after I found out I was pregnant! I am now writing this blog four months pregnant, in a short five months, I will be able to hold our precious baby and see what we have created! To finally see our little babe will be the best thing, will it look like me or will it look like John, will we have a boy or will we have a girl! I cannot wait for all of this to be answered. I now have to sit tight and await patiently whilst growing my little babe! 

It was not the most straight forward way to get our babe but I wouldn’t change it for the world, I grew so much as a person by going through my struggles and I believe I have a great appreciation for how incredible new life is.

I will treasure every waking moment I have with my babe for always and forever! 

Well I should start with what happened after I did my pee sticks. I waited a while to see if the test showed up with two pink positive lines before I rang my specialist. I spoke to my specialist and told him that I was pregnant, he then arranged for me to go get a blood test to confirm it, and see where my HCG Levels where sitting. This would tell us a little bit more and give us an indication on whether this was real or if it was a chemical pregnancy or a huge rise in HCG due to the drugs I had been on! This was scary in itself as my first pregnancy resulted in me having to have bloods taken for about three weeks every second day! I did not want this to happen again and I was adamant that I was not going to put myself though that this time either! 

I was so scared for what my reading was going to come back at. On the 21st of October I went for my first blood test it came back at 179, this was in fact a positive pregnancy reading and my specialist was very happy and positive about this. He sent me back for another one on the 2nd of November and it was 1816. He was happy with this result too and was waiting for it to go up a little higher and then he would get us in for an early scan to check everything out! I went for my third and final HCG reading on the 6th of November and it had jumped to 10998! This was an amazing reading to get! My specialist rung and asked for John and me to come in and get a scan! 

This is when it all got very real! This appointment was one I will never forget, there was so much uncertainty around what was going on! My levels where sitting very high we should be sitting on cloud nine but nothing is ever smooth sailing in my journey hahaha.. We were told three possible outcomes for this pregnancy. 1) that I might be carrying twins due to my high HCG levels. 2) That we may not actually have a successful outcome as my rise might just be due to the drugs and it could be a chemical pregnancy and 3) that we were pregnant. It looked very positive it was just a matter of time to see progress! This was extremely overwhelming to hear, we left with so much unanswered questions and so much uncertainty. The scan showed that the sack was there and my egg yolk was in the right place but it was now a waiting game to see if it progressed! 

This was terrifying as I had been in this position once before and the end result was devastating! I wished so much that this was not going to play out the same! For seven days, I had to wait in limbo until our next scan, which is called a dating scan! during this time I lost my mind, I was an emotional wreck and I completely gave up all hope, I didn’t at all feel like I was pregnant, I wasn’t sick, I didn’t feel any different! I put up a wall and I lost all hope, I had convinced myself that I was no longer pregnant and that I wasn’t going to get excited or happy. 

I had already started the grieving process, as I truly believed I wasn’t going to have a happy outcome on the next scan! It was a horrible feeling. It is incredible what your mind can do to your body, I had completely switched off and I was a walking zombie! All I wanted to know was if this little babe was here or not! I initially thought I was around eight weeks going into this dating scan I was waiting to have, but it turns out when we went for our scan I was six weeks, six days and to my absolute surprise, we saw our precious wee baby and a flickering heartbeat! I was already crying while lying on the bed being prepared for the scan! I was holding Johns hand and we were both so scared of what we were going to see, the woman stared scanning and to my absolute delight I saw a tiny baby and then she announced there is the heartbeat, those words are the best words that I have ever heard!

John and I where both so stunned and amazed! I cried and cried until the scan stopped! I had never been so scared in my life! We had passed one milestone; we now knew we were definitely pregnant and that we had a little baby! We still had a long road ahead but for now, I was able to get myself together again and start focusing on my baby and myself! As the weeks went by we were taken extra special care of by my amazing specialist, I had regularly checks ups and by 12 weeks I had already had about five scans just to make sure everything was ticking along nicely! I feel very fortunate to have my specialist and I am so grateful for everything he has done for us! With every bad outcome, there is always something good waiting around the corner, and in this case, ours led us to my amazing doctor! 

As a precaution and knowing my progesterone levels are never that great due to my condition I was placed on progesterone pills called Utrogestan or pessaries as the ladies who have done IVF call it. Progesterone (pro-for; gest-pregnancy) is a hormone produced by the corpus luteum following ovulation. This important pregnancy hormone plays a key role in embryo implantation. It also helps to maintain a pregnancy. If progesterone drops during the crucial parts of early pregnancy this could lead to a miscarriage, due to this scare I was placed on pessaries for 13 weeks! If anyone has ever been on them you will know how unpleasant these little pills are they are unlike any other pill I have ever taken, they do not go in your mouth that’s all I am saying! 

So for 12 weeks twice a night at the exact same time I was inserting progesterone pills! I was also very bloated and so I have felt like I have been walking around with a round bloated tummy for a lot longer then you all may have noticed my now baby bump! Hey, without these little wonders I don’t know where I would be today! Medicine is an amazing thing and I am so glad I have the best looking after me! 12 weeks was the first trimester over but it was also a huge milestone to reach and when I was allowed to stop those pills there was a big celebration that night! Who could have ever imagined that when it comes to making a baby things could be so hard, I have been on one hell of a journey to get here. I have learnt so much and gained so much insight and knowledge that I am grateful to have. I only now hope that I can be a positive story and outcome for the many women and families out there that are still on their pursuit for the positive! For all reading my blogs in hope, know that things always have a funny way of working out.

"A baby fills a place in your heart that you never knew was empty"  

"just because it isn't happening right now, doesn't mean it never will" .... Always remember this

October saw me go through a wave of emotions! October was the month I decided that I had enough with the drugs, enough of the cycles, and the stress and emotional effect it was leaving on John and I! With each month and each dreaded wait, the anticipation and fear of not achieving our goal was terrifying. The negative pregnancy tests where weighing so heavily on my heart that I decided for the remaining year of 2017 I was going to give it all a rest and focus on myself and the up in coming year of 2018. 

Where if we did not succeed we did have a plan of attack! I always believed that I had a great chance falling pregnant myself without needing the road of IVF but it was always there as a backup! Going down that road would have been extremely hard, emotionally and physically draining and I take my hat off to all the families out there that have taken that journey, as I know it would not be an easy one! Through this journey, I have been able to meet some incredible women who have shared with me their own journeys and have helped me along with mine. Having people to communicate with during the hard times of infertility is the only way I got through this journey! I am thankful for all that have come into my life and I wish everyone the very best in their own journeys and I am always here for anyone who needs someone to talk too! 

So October was the month it all happened and the month that our lives significantly changed forever. It also was the most terrifying couple of months where everything was completely out of my control and I had to just believe in what will be, will be! Prior to this I changed my mind set and let a lot of feelings go I was carrying a lot of baggage emotionally from my recent miscarriage and the fear of what was going on, I went to a lovely women who specialises in Reki and if you haven’t heard about Reki or given it a go I encourage you all to try it! I experienced a Reki session a few weeks before I conceived and I believe it really does have something to do with my conception! I left that Reki session with a huge weight off my shoulders and a feeling of leaving behind my grief, loss and fears. I awoke myself to a higher and greater purpose, life was all going to fall into place, I felt like a new person and John could see the relief on my face the day I came home and decided to take a break! I can honestly say there are greater things happening in this would that sometimes we cannot explain! We just have to run with it.... 

Labour weekend came around and I was ready for another night out with the girl’s dinner and possibly a few drinks here and there! In the back of my mind, I felt like I needed to take a pregnancy test for some reason as an urge had come over me. I hadn’t even considered that I would be pregnant as I believe I wouldn’t of even ovulated yet as I didn’t take the drugs! I knew I had a test in the draw as I have been taking pregnancy tests for years.. As I took the test, I laughed and assumed I would see the same result as I always do! I waited awhile went on with getting ready, went back to the test only to find one bright pink line and a very, very faint pink line next to it. It was the faintest line I had ever seen but I saw it... then I went everywhere in the house with it trying to put it in different light, trying to work out if it was my imagination or a faulty test! I was so puzzled and confused! I showed John and asked what he could see, he said I see it too, I repeated to myself over and over again in a high-pitched voice well it shouldn’t be there, it shouldn’t be there! If there are, two lines on the test that means you are pregnant! “I’m not pregnant! “ I only had this one test and I knew I couldn’t do another one, if I was pregnant it would just show up the same result, it wouldn’t be any darker and it wouldn’t give me a clear answer or tell me if I was pregnant or not! 

I had to go out for dinner with the girls and keep my mouth shut, I also couldn’t drink the wines I had promised I would be consuming! The night was hard to focus on anything but the test siting on my dresser at home! Was I or was I not pregnant.... I had to wait I knew about HCG Levels and how your levels rise as the pregnancy continues, HCG levels need to keep rising and double if the pregnancy is viable! I l learnt a lot about this form my previous pregnancy and I knew that I had to wait a few days to take another test and see what that test showed up! It was a Tuesday I decided to take another one before work, two pink lines showed up again and the faint line had got darker, it still wasn’t as dark as I would have liked to see it but I knew those two lines meant that I was in fact pregnant ! I cried and I cried on the bathroom floor! I was in complete shock at what I was seeing I did not know how to comprehend it and I couldn’t move! I had to get ready for the day ahead, go to work and act like nothing had happened! So Tuesday dragged and it dragged all I wanted to do was to get home and show John and tell him what I hoped was going to be the best news ever! I was so scared that I didn’t get to excited I didn’t even know how to handle how I was feeling, I was excited that I was pregnant but was also terrified of what was to come and if this was going to be our happy ever after ! John was in the same emotional roller coaster and we both had to take each day as it came!

More updates to come on the first Trimester, know one ever tells you how scary and alone this time feels. If you only ever tell your partner that you are pregnant and the worst case scenario happens such as the loss of your baby, this can be a very difficult time. This time with our pregnancy announcement I was very afraid of what the outcome may be and I was cautious about speaking out and announcing our news it took me awhile to start telling close friends and family.I did want to make sure that this was our chance not for the shame or fear that if something did happen,I would have to tell everyone about it. just for the sake of not getting to excited and let down. it took me awhile to believe I was pregnant and that I was carrying my baby. I had dreamed of this day for as long as I can remember and for this now to be a reality. it was bitter sweet. The first few weeks where not easy and their came a point where it all looked to good to be true, you have  no control over your body and you have to prey  your body knows what its suppose to be doing to keep this baby alive.   

Keep your head up, Keep fighting there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Your struggles only make you better in the end.

“One day everything will make perfect sense so for now laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears and keep reminding yourself everything Happens for a reason “  

Hi guys, sorry for the lack of posts lately ! Honestly when I said I was going to take a break , I didn’t expect to stop posting however whilst on this break something I would call a miracle happened and for three months I have been pretty busy here growing our little baby!  

Wow yes I am pregnant and we have a very healthy active little jumping, waving and kicking little baby ! who is measuring a week ahead of schedule which can only mean he has his fathers genes and will be a very big baby :) Yay me :)  

we are expecting baby’s arrival in July and we are beyond excited and happy!  Words can not describe how I feel, this whole experience still feel like a dream!  

Thankfully it is not a dream and it is now my reality, I keep watching and waiting for me belly to grow, for me to get sick and have all the side effects that come along with the dreaded morning sickness yet I am still waiting and I think I’m going to say I got out of that one ! 

I have had a very nice little baby growing away inside me that hasn’t Made me feel sick , I have had the complete opposite I finally feel healthy and some days the best I have felt in a long time ! It’s like my body has connected and it’s finally done the right thing! My hormones have balanced and I feel amazing , maybe it’s all a mind game but if this is what pregnancy feels like .. line me up to be pregnant forever !  

I will post more about how and when I found out I was pregnant and tests and appointment that followed ! And the scare we had that nearly broke me! 

We stayed pretty quiet with this baby news as we where so scared of what could happen, we where trying to take one day at a time , hey we still are but for now I feel like I can finally breath again! 

One day you will look back in awe at everything that happens In your life , and all the people that came in to it . Everything and everyone has brought you to where you are today.  Everything and everyone in your life has taught you something. I would not change the journey I have been on or this experience. It is what has shaped me, it is what has transformed me to be the person I am today. With out the bad , rough, tough emotional roller coaster I would not be standing here today as brave and as strong as I am ! I wouldn’t have Walked the path that I have walked With out experiencing the loss and tough times infertility deals women and couples I wouldn’t have the compassion and empathy  for how others feel. I wouldn’t be speaking up and raising awerness or being that voice for others. With out having all these challenges and set backs along my journey I wouldn’t be half the person I am today or where I am today ! I wouldn’t feel the way that I feel now which is truely blessed and full with so much love. I am very blessed and will never take it for granted that I am carrying my baby. A baby is the most beautiful thing in the would and I have never felt a love like this! 

I have so much love and gratitude for my husband as I believe our little miracle would not have been here I’f I hadn’t had his up most support through this entire process he has been my rock through all good and bad ! I changed my whole entire life style and mind set  to get to where we are today but I couldn’t have done it with out his love support and guidance .

John has always backed my decisions 100%  and I believe he always will! he is the reason I was able to achieve my goals!  With out John , family and friends I could not have got through this journey. It’s a tough one but I am living proof that their is always light at the end of the tunnel , Never give up on hope, somethings in life are worth fighting for  and this has been my biggest fight yet ! 

Doctors and specialists were always very quick to tell me the worst case and that we wouldn’t conceive however I didn’t yet accept this and I new it was up to me and that yes it was my body that I needed to work on and this year and the years before have been about that and just that , getting myself to a place where I could conceive and carry my baby! 

I am beyond excited for my next trimester and the whole experience, getting to 12 weeks is a huge milestone in itself, hearing our baby’s heart beat was the most amazing thing I have ever witnessed and experienced in my life I have never felt so complete in all my life, I can not wait to see the baby John and I have created, we love it more then life itself and I can’t wait for John to be a dad, he was born ready he already is ready and always will be the best dad to our child 

Took awhile for my hcg levels to rise to get a really strong positive test :)

Our first scan, what we saw that gave us hope :)

Baby Luxton at 6 weeks

Oh hey Baby !! 12 weeks scan :) so in love