Well my intention for this blog was to write down all my feelings and all my emotions associated with this journey!
Some blogs are harder to talk about then others and a lot of people who are reading these blogs are getting a great insight into my personal life, some say it's brave and its a courageous thing I am doing, however some days I wonder if I should have opened up at all.
It is hard to talk about these things, but in hind sight it's provided me with a supportive network of women, friends and strangers that are a compete blessing! For anyone going through this Journey you know to well how isolating it is and how tough it can be! To talk to someone about how I feel or to write it down is going to be better then carrying the burden around right ?
I guess it makes it easier as I do love to talk, I am very honest, sometimes to honest for my own good. I am a sharer and I do like to talk about my feelings, which John learnt very quickly. John and I are completely opposites when it comes to talking and sharing feelings, I have to say and express for the both of us. But we are working on it....
Here's a bit of a rant and where my head space is currently at , I am surrounded By children every single day of my life I'm an early childhood teacher! some times i think i am bloody MAD
do you??
How can I do this for a job when I long for a child of my own ! At first when I was younger it was the greatest job of my life ! The passion was their it was great! i was young and care free just like them.
Now as each day passes I feel like I die a little inside, why is it that I can look after all these beautiful children but I can't have one of my own! these rays of sunshine I spent my days with, that put a smile on my face or make me angry sometimes all leave me at the end of the day, and I don't have my own to make up for it.
There are many days when I feel sad, mad and just want to scream that life is not fair! Hay I'm probably not the only one that has these moments from time to time! Recently I have started to feel an empty feeling within, I feel sad and alone and sometime just really angry.
I don't ever want this journey to ever define who I am !
I'm starting to lose the ability to be me to focus on myself ! We do everything in our power for other people but what do we ever do for ourselves , we turn up to work , we work for some one else, we try and please everyone around us and make sure they are okay, your life falls in to a constant routine and slowly you start to lose sight of the one person that truly matters at the end of the day.
I don't do much for myself , when i really think about it i have lost all my hobbies or the things that i once use to like doing or loved. I don't actually know what I want to do for myself but I know I'm missing something. Something that can help distract or ease my mind , I use to be a gym junkie however that phase in my life came to a roaring stop when all of this happend early in the year .. do I need to find time for the gym again , yoga , walks , mediation. ! for any one of you reading this feel free to let me know what you all take time to do for yourselves ? I may see the light..
At the time of the miscarriage I was not in a healthy mind set I was extremely heart broken, I thought that it was our chance to by pass all this bull shit ! and all the stuff to follow...
I honestly think I'm slightly depressed! I didn't know how or why people got depressed and often would tell myself that i don't think I would ever get depressed!
But it's not that simple. People don't get to choose whether or not they want to be depressed. Situations and circumstances put people under huge strains mentally physically , emotionally and even financially ! Everyone has something going on in their life's it's how you cope with what's going on or how much u can handle! Honestly some people get dealt so much bull shit in their life , they have to go through so much pain and hurt and I truly admire all these people and I know so many that have had to battle through the darkest of days and they still show up!
In a way knowing their are struggles in life that others go through makes me realise I to can grow from this journey and I'm on this road not because I would have ever chosen it for myself but because I'm sure I wouldn't be going through this if I couldn't handle it !
Isn't their a quote that once said god doesn't give you anything that your not stronger enough to handle !" he will not let you be tested beyond your strength but with your testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it”
I guess I have to refer to this in some way and try to understand that in all of this their may be a good reason! Hmm for those who know me, you know i wont be relying on god to answer my prayers any time soon tho.
However I do believe people get to choose whether or not they will let their battles define them ! I have come to the conclusion that I am not living with a healthy mindset! That I have let everything and everyone have an effect on me! I am seeking food as my comfort and putting myself into danger of falling back into unhealthy habits! I know that I am doing this and I know how I'm feeling, and I know why I am feeling this way yet I don't know what the answer is to help me!! I know I'm stronger then this and this journey has taught me I have to be ! I know I can get through all of these emotions and negative mindsets and only I have the power to do that !
Losing this baby has effected me in more ways then I thought it would , It's made me lose my mind! I often read or heard about people having miscarriages and I would say to myself aw that's so sad, and then you know that would be that, i would say to myself poor them ,I hope that never happens to me! but as the saying goes you will never know how to feel or how it would feel if u are not the one experiencing it!
It's not actually the miscarriage as such that I am finding hard to process, its whats going on mentally and emotionally , it's the process of trying for a baby and being un successful time an time again ! It's emotionally draining, weeks tick by and you hold on to every chance that month was going to be your month ! However your dreams and hopes get crushed time and time again!
I try my hardest to be brave and strong and some people have even told me that I am these things, but honestly there are moments when these words don't exist in my vocabulary! I am really good at putting a smile on my face and I'm good at coasting along with life, hay I have pretty much winged everything in life so far! When you look at my life you may actually think I have it all worked out and it's pretty A okay and perfect , but I have learnt really quickly never judge a book by its cover !
Don't get me wrong I am so forever grateful and I am very blessed to have the life that I live and man it is pretty AMAZING but it's Missing a key element to it! The life my husband and I are creating and have made for each other is all been set up and planned for, so we can add to it! And man are we ready for a miracle! 👨👩👧👦
But Hey instead of dwelling on the what if's and the what's to come.....
I need to take a step back in to the present and look at all the amazing things around me that I do have ! And what I am fortunate to have and that is a lot!
I don't have any control over the journey that I am on , I need to let go and ride along with it , focus on the positives that are right in front of me and foucs on what I can and do have control over :)