Hey guys so after dwelling on my last blog post and having some time to re gather my thoughts and my emotions and my own head spaceI have put some plans in place in order to help balance my life and the consistent ruler that is .. the pursuit of the positive! I got pretty down and life got really challenging but this is my journey and I need to go along with the ride.
With out knowing or wanting This journey to rule your life it slowly but surely does I just need to not let it take over who I am and let it define who I am as a person. Easier said then done I'm discovering!
During this process their are appointments, doctors, specialists, blood tests , phone calls, drugs, scans, waiting times , then hit repeat on all of that every month! So every month plays out the same and in the Same pattern it's a repetitive cycle ..
so for 17 days of the month I'm taking drugs to help produce a period , then I'm taking drugs to help me ovulate then I'm having scans to see if the ovulation has occurred and then I'm taking blood tests to follow up on my hormone levels and then the dreaded wait to see if my body decided to work this round and bring me my miracle baby!
However each round has been a rip roaring roller coaster to say the least. The drugs that I am on do mess around with my body, my body is very un predictable as it is and now it's even worse I have all different sorts of Things occurring within the month, un explained pains in my stomach , dirahora . ovulation cramps as the drugs are strong and need to be so they can stimulate my ovulation to Happen I have waves of dissiness , tiredness, fatigue! Pms when I want to cry all day or be mad at everyone in the world ! Sometimes it's just to much and I want to run away and hide! But I have worked out that's easier said then done too ! Reality is you can not hide , you have to stand up and face it all ! Every bit of shitness life throws your way, you have to stand Their and take it !
It makes you the person you are!
I started to do some investigating I have started to look at options for John and i , when things are broken you try to fix them , I feel like I am broken in a way and I need to fix me! And I will try my best in any way I can to do so! I will seek out all the information I can and try and find all the right people and avenues to help us along our journey!
I have been on the drugs my specialist suggested to go On ! Her suggestion was for five rounds and if that wasn't going to work we would need to consider looking at ivf this has always stuck in the back of my mind now the time is running out for our five rounds andit's time I seek some help!
We have now found ourselves working with the fertility association in Hamilton, I referred myself as I always do! I rung up made appointments and arranged times to meet! Some may not know how the appointments work with these clinics or these specialists or these scan times! It doesn't really matter what time you ask to see them or when it best suits you ! It's you get a time a date and an appointment and you need to take it or leave it! Simple as that ! Or that specific day and time, you have to go because that's your cycle!
Hmm not that simple when you have a job to too ! I think they forget that we still have a life and we still need to pay pills in order to pay for the treatments and life! I was finding it super stressful being rung and told that this is the date and this is the time especially in my role and my job it's not that simple to just leave when ever I like I work in ratios !
This was bringing a lot of unwanted and added stress to my life and Initially this is just the beginning my journey is only starting.. it's going to get harder from hear and I needed to acknowledge this , and I needed to acknowledge how I was feeling , I needed to start putting myself first and my family ( my awaiting family ) I have made the decsion to go part time at work! And I believe this is going to be beneficial not only for my health my well being but my emotional state of mind and for me in general I was starting to break! I could feel little pieces of me dying a little on the inside! John was having to deal with a lot and lift me up when I was at my weakest! Going along this journey isn't just my battle it's Johns to he has to face all of this too he doesn't physically have to do anything that I have to to but he emotionally does and he has to be the brave and the optimistic one and the positive one because sure as hell i'm not all of those things at times !
It's really hard on a relationship and I fucking hate that we are going through this ( sorry for the swearing) but in all honesty this is fucking hard ! We have just recently married and our married life has been consumed with shitty blow after blow I just want some positive news to come our way! I would like to say we should take a break for while however that's not going to achieve anything we have a goal in mind we want our family so we do have to keep on going and doing everything in our power to make that happen for us !
So long story short we have had our meeting with the specialist at the fertility clinic we have both been checked bloods and everything like that and we had a really informative chat about our next journey and I will continue to fill you all in on this in the next blog to come !
"Life will only change when you become more committed to your dreams than you are to your comfort zone".