You have to look at how far you have come and not at how far you have got to go... It's about moving forward and not remaining where you are most comfortable.
I guess this is true for my own journey, I have come so far with my health and I have learnt so much about myself as a person through all of this mess! Yes, I will call it a mess because in all honesty I don't know what else to call it! I am starting to go through the waves of bitterness, the green-eyed monster is starting to leer. So many baby announcements appear all over my news feed; Instagram shares photos of all these cute babies, people announcing their baby’s gender in all these amazing ways! And all I can dream of is maybe one day I myself will be doing these things! It certainly starts to take its toll when you already have names for your babies picked out. When you have dreamed of what they might look like and you can picture yourself being a mum and holding them tight and feeling complete!
I need to hold on to hope that one day it will happen for me and for John! It's not an easy road to be on, it's hard to switch off your feelings and all your emotions tied in with this journey but for now we have a plan, and a plan is better than nothing, a plan means we are taking action and moving forward.
We have gone to see the fertility clinic in Hamilton where we met with a lovely man who is one of the specialists, and he was able to provide us with information and answers that I have longed to hear!
Our blood results where all tested and analysed to give them a great insight to what they were dealing with and to find out why I may not be falling pregnant! Our results came back good considering a few hormonal ones where off due to my PCOS and my cortisol hormone was through the roof! Adrenaline increases your heart rate, elevates your blood pressure and boosts energy supplies. Cortisol, the primary stress hormone, increases sugars (glucose) in the bloodstream, enhances your brain's use of glucose and increases the availability of substances that repair tissues.
Your body is hard-wired to react to stress in ways meant to protect you against threats from predators and other aggressors. Such threats are rare today, but that doesn't mean that life is free of stress. Stress can consume your life if you let it. Stress is everywhere, it can be as simple as stressing about money worries, how you look, or what you should be doing with your life! I stress a lot! I know I do! I am the first one to worry about anything that might be going on with me or around me or even if it's in the future! I have always been this way it's like I have been hard wired with anxiety and can easily be wound up, leading me to carry all of life's burdens along for the ride! I wish it was simple for me to switch of and let life play out the way it should however I need to feel like I have control over my own life and what happens in it! This is also why I have found this whole journey hard as I have wanted a baby for so long and it hasn't happened. It isn’t happening the way that I thought it would and it may have to happen in other ways which will take the control from me entirely!
I had been feeling very beaten and defeated for a while now, struggling to face each day as it starts. I have honestly felt like I’ve been drowning some days, it can take all my strength and all of me to get through each day! I would have nothing left to give anyone or myself by the time 5pm rolled around! This, to me, was ruling my life! I hated feeling this way, I hated what I was becoming, I was not happy, I was not who I thought I was! That is why something had to give! Being provided with the freedom and support to go part-time in my career has helped me in more ways than one! After only a week I have felt this new energy that was lost for so long, I feel more human and alive, I feel happy and carefree and I don't feel so consumed with a million things to do on my list! It certainly has arrived at the right time of my life too. I needed this now more than ever! The next six months are going to be about looking after me!! Being aware of what I need and taking time out to nourish and look after myself!
The plan of attack looking ahead for the future never felt so bright! I am more determined than ever that the next six months will work for John and I! I have placed all the right steps in action and I couldn't do more even if I tried! I will be carrying on my monitored Letrozol cycles until the end of the year or further notice! I have been placed on the public waiting list for a Laparoscopy. This is a surgery that uses a thin, lighted tube put through a cut in the belly to look at the abdominal organs or the female pelvic organs. Laparoscopy is used to find problems such as cysts, adhesions, fibroids, and infection. Tissue samples can be taken for biopsy through the tube (laparoscope). This is going to be done to rule out anything else that may be going on inside of me that is preventing myself from falling pregnant! Once this is done we will know more and I will get more information :)
Then if there is no luck for John and I within the next six months we will be looking at undergoing IVF treatments and starting our journey down that road.
So, there is our plan and knowing we have a plan in place is comforting, there is a lot of unknowns that come along with this journey! I know that I am doing what Is right for me and for John at this present time.
I know that I am trying to stay positive and on track with the present and how my life is unfolding now. I try not to get excited for my future and the possibilities of our babies because I am scared of what is to come and what the outcome will be! I know I will have to face it all again when the time comes but for now life is about me and John and our fur babies and looking out for one another, trying not to lose hope and the love we have for one another!! It's a long hard road, but we will get through it together!
"Someday, everything will make perfect sense. So, for now laugh at the confusion, smile through all the tears, and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason".