Hey guys I have been pretty quiet on the blog front! I haven't actually got much to report! I am still trucking on with life day by day. I do however feel like a completely different human being, I feel present, alive and content! I do feel like I have more time for myself and for others and to actually do things that I want to do, I have time in the day to visit friends get jobs done! Being able to go to appointments during the week in the middle of the day is a feeling I thought I would never experience! It's the small things in life you take for granted but just having more spare, free time to do things rather than waiting until the weekend and squeezing everything in all at once is life changing!
I certainly feel I am less stressed I can guarantee that my cortisol levels are sitting at a more comfortable reading now that I have chosen to do something for my sanity and wellbeing! Going part-time in my job could seem like not a big deal to some, however this is a huge deal to me and also a huge sacrifice and something a lot of people couldn't even imagine doing! I have worked so hard to get to where I am today in my career, I studied full time and also worked full time, it definitely wasn't easy and their where sacrifices made then to! A lot of people helped me out through that time. Family, friends and John where my rocks! Sometimes I look back and wonder why or how John stuck by my side haha! I'm glad he did though because he is still here sticking by me now in my biggest journey yet! I also just want to rant about how appreciative I am of the many people in my life that support me (you know who you are). John has put me first by allowing me to go part-time!!
Financially it will take a toll and for the first time I won't be contributing to the full amount that I want to be and if you know me, this is very hard to comprehend. I like to know that I am pulling my weight as you could say! It may take some adjusting and some very tight budgeting but it really is worth it! It doesn't have to be forever, I have my whole life ahead of me and for now the time is right to look out for number one and take some time out to focus on my health and the bigger picture on planning and preparing for our family!
I wish like anything that this wasn't happening the way that it is! There is not a day that goes by when I ask myself how can falling pregnant be so hard, people get pregnant all the time - people who don't even want children end up being pregnant! That's when life is twisted and cruel but that's life I guess! I have to stray away from the thoughts that cross my mind like these and just try to focus on my specific journey and knowing there will be a time for me!
Every month doesn't get easier, I think it's starting to get harder, I start to believe that my body wants to work the way it should and that it will allow me to fall pregnant, the cycle comes and rules my life. I start the Letrozol pills and then the fun begins of tying in the fertility window! Then after the fertility window and ovulation, time clocks by so slowly the dreaded wait to see if my period will come or if by miracle I conceive! This is the hardest part of the process because as you wait your mind starts to play tricks on you, thinking and praying that this month will be the month for you!
It's hard to stay positive and it's hard to stop your mind wandering and thinking of all the possibilities that you might actually be pregnant! Then the negative side comes waving in and tells you to stop dreaming, every other month it hasn't worked so what are the chances and why would it be any different this month?!
The real positive right now is how I am feeling mentally, I feel like myself again, physically I feel more energetic and enthusiastic starting to find the real Hayley before this journey over took my life! Emotionally I feel I am in a much healthier head space and mindset! A few months back I was grieving and it takes time to come to terms with a loss.
You never know how you will handle something until it's happening. I do know that I am stronger than what I give myself credit for and I do know I have learnt a lot about the person I am and who I want to be! I will be continuing to keep pushing forward and holding on to what I want in life.
"Smile often, think positively, give thanks, laugh loudly, love others and dream big".