October saw me go through a wave of emotions! October was the month I decided that I had enough with the drugs, enough of the cycles, and the stress and emotional effect it was leaving on John and I! With each month and each dreaded wait, the anticipation and fear of not achieving our goal was terrifying. The negative pregnancy tests where weighing so heavily on my heart that I decided for the remaining year of 2017 I was going to give it all a rest and focus on myself and the up in coming year of 2018.
Where if we did not succeed we did have a plan of attack! I always believed that I had a great chance falling pregnant myself without needing the road of IVF but it was always there as a backup! Going down that road would have been extremely hard, emotionally and physically draining and I take my hat off to all the families out there that have taken that journey, as I know it would not be an easy one! Through this journey, I have been able to meet some incredible women who have shared with me their own journeys and have helped me along with mine. Having people to communicate with during the hard times of infertility is the only way I got through this journey! I am thankful for all that have come into my life and I wish everyone the very best in their own journeys and I am always here for anyone who needs someone to talk too!
So October was the month it all happened and the month that our lives significantly changed forever. It also was the most terrifying couple of months where everything was completely out of my control and I had to just believe in what will be, will be! Prior to this I changed my mind set and let a lot of feelings go I was carrying a lot of baggage emotionally from my recent miscarriage and the fear of what was going on, I went to a lovely women who specialises in Reki and if you haven’t heard about Reki or given it a go I encourage you all to try it! I experienced a Reki session a few weeks before I conceived and I believe it really does have something to do with my conception! I left that Reki session with a huge weight off my shoulders and a feeling of leaving behind my grief, loss and fears. I awoke myself to a higher and greater purpose, life was all going to fall into place, I felt like a new person and John could see the relief on my face the day I came home and decided to take a break! I can honestly say there are greater things happening in this would that sometimes we cannot explain! We just have to run with it....
Labour weekend came around and I was ready for another night out with the girl’s dinner and possibly a few drinks here and there! In the back of my mind, I felt like I needed to take a pregnancy test for some reason as an urge had come over me. I hadn’t even considered that I would be pregnant as I believe I wouldn’t of even ovulated yet as I didn’t take the drugs! I knew I had a test in the draw as I have been taking pregnancy tests for years.. As I took the test, I laughed and assumed I would see the same result as I always do! I waited awhile went on with getting ready, went back to the test only to find one bright pink line and a very, very faint pink line next to it. It was the faintest line I had ever seen but I saw it... then I went everywhere in the house with it trying to put it in different light, trying to work out if it was my imagination or a faulty test! I was so puzzled and confused! I showed John and asked what he could see, he said I see it too, I repeated to myself over and over again in a high-pitched voice well it shouldn’t be there, it shouldn’t be there! If there are, two lines on the test that means you are pregnant! “I’m not pregnant! “ I only had this one test and I knew I couldn’t do another one, if I was pregnant it would just show up the same result, it wouldn’t be any darker and it wouldn’t give me a clear answer or tell me if I was pregnant or not!
I had to go out for dinner with the girls and keep my mouth shut, I also couldn’t drink the wines I had promised I would be consuming! The night was hard to focus on anything but the test siting on my dresser at home! Was I or was I not pregnant.... I had to wait I knew about HCG Levels and how your levels rise as the pregnancy continues, HCG levels need to keep rising and double if the pregnancy is viable! I l learnt a lot about this form my previous pregnancy and I knew that I had to wait a few days to take another test and see what that test showed up! It was a Tuesday I decided to take another one before work, two pink lines showed up again and the faint line had got darker, it still wasn’t as dark as I would have liked to see it but I knew those two lines meant that I was in fact pregnant ! I cried and I cried on the bathroom floor! I was in complete shock at what I was seeing I did not know how to comprehend it and I couldn’t move! I had to get ready for the day ahead, go to work and act like nothing had happened! So Tuesday dragged and it dragged all I wanted to do was to get home and show John and tell him what I hoped was going to be the best news ever! I was so scared that I didn’t get to excited I didn’t even know how to handle how I was feeling, I was excited that I was pregnant but was also terrified of what was to come and if this was going to be our happy ever after ! John was in the same emotional roller coaster and we both had to take each day as it came!
More updates to come on the first Trimester, know one ever tells you how scary and alone this time feels. If you only ever tell your partner that you are pregnant and the worst case scenario happens such as the loss of your baby, this can be a very difficult time. This time with our pregnancy announcement I was very afraid of what the outcome may be and I was cautious about speaking out and announcing our news it took me awhile to start telling close friends and family.I did want to make sure that this was our chance not for the shame or fear that if something did happen,I would have to tell everyone about it. just for the sake of not getting to excited and let down. it took me awhile to believe I was pregnant and that I was carrying my baby. I had dreamed of this day for as long as I can remember and for this now to be a reality. it was bitter sweet. The first few weeks where not easy and their came a point where it all looked to good to be true, you have no control over your body and you have to prey your body knows what its suppose to be doing to keep this baby alive.
