It's important to find perspective!

This month has certainly been a lot less intense, having not been on any drugs or stimulating I have been able to touch base with who I really am! It's only when you step back and reflect on the previous events in your life when you get perspective on what's important and what's not, who's important and who's not! 

Being off the drugs have made me realise just how hormonal I really am on them... I am not the real me when I am taking them, it's like I'm in another persons’ body! I have been wondering, was this the right thing to do? I am stuck in a very hard place wondering always if this is the right path to take, I do want a baby so much but it's also about putting yourself first and learning to be selfish! Now is a great time to be selfish and focus on myself. Being off them for the rest of the year may bring me some peace and some clarity, it has already made me feel connected back to who I once was and who I want to be! I don't ever want to lose faith in this process and I want to remain positive and hopeful, I do believe this situation is out of my control but I do have other ways to be in control and it's about finding balance. Do all that you can do and be content in knowing you have done all that you could! 

After not taking the medicine, I made a conscious effort to not talk about ovulating or when the time was right for sex, I just wanted to forget the whole process, I have wanted my mind to shut off for such a long time now! What I know about myself even before this journey started if I want something done I do it, if I want something to change I change it, I believe I am a very determined person and I know what I want! In a way I think this attribute has helped me win in many situations in life and will help me in my biggest battles to date! In hindsight this break could have come sooner but it's here now and I'm going to make the most of it! This year has been a constant cycle of anticipation, disappointment, wonder, worry and heart break! 

The next few months I'm going to get myself in the best shape possible not just physically but more emotionally, mentally and spiritually to give my body and me the best outcome for success! I have joined the gym again after talking about it for so long, and man does it feel good to be back, I have cut out a lot of dairy products and gluten from my diet. I am yet to cut out chocolate but that is my go to! I have cut caffeine completely from my diet and I couldn't be more excited about that one. Sugars and caffeine affect women with PCOS a lot more than women without this condition as it spikes the sugar levels and hormones in our bodies it plays havoc on insulin levels and can cause anxiety! I don't need this added madness in my life! This also brings me back to my favorite person, Dr Libby! I went to her show the other week where she gave a talk and shared her wonderful information with a room full of beautiful women. It was great to see so many women there and it's encouraging to know so many women out there do want to start taking care of themselves, we all should be doing that, every single day, not waiting until something bad happens in our life which forces change! All the tiny decisions we make in life now affect us for years to come! This includes all the foods and alcohol we put in to our bodies! 

Dr Libby spoke about fueling our bodies with " whole foods, organic " as some people would call it! However, she explains there is only food and then there is junk! And this is a great way to look at it! We all know which foods are the good fresh foods we should be eating and we all know how to distinguish between what's junk and what's not! I need to carry on the right path and eat food not junk!

I don't want to get caught up with gluten free diets or dairy free I'm not placing a label on myself, just simply choosing what foods are right for my body by cutting out a good proportion of sugar, diary and gluten foods out from my diet I am feeling much more energised and way less bloated and sick! It's about listening and paying attention to what your body is telling you. We have the control and the power to fuel our bodies so this is where I can help my situation! 

My ways of thinking has certainly changed, I now have shifted my focus from baby thinking because I know there is a bigger picture, this is now a journey. It is my journey, I am on this ride for however long it may take. This is about finding myself and working through the puzzle, I have asked the question what is going to make me happy! Yes the answer is a baby, we all know that but… moving away from that "what is going to make me happy"?  Well in all fairness I have already done it, all the little things you change in your life when you listen, serve the greatest purpose! It would have been one of the hardest things I have yet to do, but it has been the biggest life changer not only for myself, John and our future baby! I prioritised myself and saved my energy for me! Going part time in my job has made the world of difference! My determination will pay off, this is what I needed to do in order to have a baby, instead of running around after everybody else, having plans being committed to everything, by not wanting to let others down or say no! I am already reaping the benefits, I am no longer fatigued or too tired to cook dinner! I haven't used all my energy up! I have noticed a huge difference in how I see the world now, I have less anxiety I am less depressed! 

I now am more alive than I ever was before! I now know I am enough and I have enough to give! I am the happy person that John fell in love with, I have enough of myself to give some back! John is the most amazing caring person I could ever have, he is with me every step of the way through this whirlwind journey! I wish nothing more to one day look back on this journey and remember just how much we love one another and how strong we have united since this whole thing begun! Looking forward to our future doesn't have to be a scary process with this journey, I will remain optimistic, hopeful and I will continue to pursue my dream! 

I hope for anyone who is reading my blogs and feels like they need to make change, they too can have the courage and the confidence to do so! It's time to put yourself first and gain some form of control!

These girls have my back always!

with them by my side, anything is possible xX

"if the plan doesn't change, change the plan, but NEVER the goal! "

Don't let anything or anyone deprive you of hope!

I have been reading a book called Memories From Heaven! Written by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer and Dee Garnes!

I'm not a religious person and I don't go to church or pray but I am a very intuitive, optimistic person who is very open and accepting to everything. I was given this book to read from a dear friend of mine and from the moment I opened the book I was hooked and I had to keep reading until the end! The chapter that caught my attention the most was the chapter " Memories of Choosing Parents" it was about children recalling that they had chosen their parents! Before they were born! There is one story that absolutely blew me away! A lady (Mum) had written a conversation she had with her daughter one night! This is her story... 

I had a termination while receiving a treatment for a back problem, and it broke my heart. Years later my back healed and I had a beautiful baby girl. When she was two years old she was sitting with a book and looked up at me and said," Mummy, you sent me back the first time round because you had a sore back, but I came back when your back was better". 

This story amazes me and has me very curious and interested Could this be the case? Could children choose their parents?! I would like to say I chose my parents because I know for sure I wouldn't want anybody else to be my Mum and Dad, so maybe I did chose them and at the right time – however, they may not think my brother or myself came along at the right time, but maybe someone had other ideas! We definitely changed their life completely! And for the better 😀

I wonder if my baby is just waiting to choose me! Is it possible that it's not my time to meet my baby yet?!

I have so many questions and u answered worries and concerns regarding my fertility journey! One thing I have learnt really fast is to remain hopeful, optimistic and positive! Miracles do happen, I read them, I see them all the time! I'm waiting for my miracle and I will never give up! Stories like these give me hope that there are greater things happening in the world beyond our control and maybe, just maybe, my baby is out there waiting to meet me when they see me!

I know some may think that is absolute bull but hey each to their own! For me it gives me some sort of faith that it will happen for me. I hold on to all these stories, I love hearing about the amazing women out there going through this rough journey finally announcing their little miracles years later! Because to me it still feels beyond my reach.

I have decided to give myself a break, my body, mind and soul a break from all the drugs, from all the tests and anticipation, the stress that comes with a monitored drug cycle and the heaviness it weighs on my heart when I'm not successful time and time again! This time was the worst time by far, but also the best - I have a lot of mixed feelings around this cycle! My dose got upped which changed all my hormones, my body responded well and things where definitely changing and working. My pimples were out of control and I was told on day 21 I had ovulated and had a very high number - a reading of 61.3, this is double the reading I was getting when I first started this journey so I am getting promising results! My body certainly did some very strange things that also lead me to believe that potentially my body had allowed me to conceive, but yet again the disappointment strikes when my period turns up! This time the blow of my period arriving was not enough I had to have the worst period of my life, the drugs that were increased lead me to have such high progesterone levels that messed me about that when my period arrived it came with cramps and headaches that left me bed ridden for two days! 

Yes, I should be glad that my body is now deciding to do these things somewhat on their own, my periods are now arriving without a pill, however I am now going to twist things up by taking a break from all these drugs and test my body naturally! Also, just to get some sort of life back! 

This year has gone by so fast and now it is October, I can barely remember that this was supposed to be the best year of my life! In March I married my best friend, and I have realised that this should have been a year to remember, to look back on and be happy! I was asked recently what does it look like if you were outside of your body and you were looking at yourself? My response to this even shocked myself! I said that if I was to look back at me I would not even recognice the person that got married in March, that person was happy, that person had everything she could have wanted and I was so naive about what I was about to embark on! I said I was the colour grey, and I felt trapped! 

This is when I realised that I need to change this opinion of myself, I have a lot of work to do on myself about learning to love me, this has always been very hard, a lot harder now that my body is completely failing me and not working the way it should! But to feel complete and grounded I need to work on this and discover a way to love myself! This three-month break may be just what I need, it's just what the Doctor asked for really. I need time to gather myself and find who I really am again, have fun and enjoy the rest of the year that we have left and spend some quality time with friends and family. 

Festive season is upon us and it's time to enjoy the sun and a few wines here and there! 

"Be thankful for what you are now, and keep fighting for what you want to be tomorrow" 

Stepping outside of my comfort zone!

Hey guys I have been pretty quiet on the blog front! I haven't actually got much to report! I am still trucking on with life day by day. I do however feel like a completely different human being, I feel present, alive and content! I do feel like I have more time for myself and for others and to actually do things that I want to do, I have time in the day to visit friends get jobs done! Being able to go to appointments during the week in the middle of the day is a feeling I thought I would never experience! It's the small things in life you take for granted but just having more spare, free time to do things rather than waiting until the weekend and squeezing everything in all at once is life changing! 

I certainly feel I am less stressed I can guarantee that my cortisol levels are sitting at a more comfortable reading now that I have chosen to do something for my sanity and wellbeing! Going part-time in my job could seem like not a big deal to some, however this is a huge deal to me and also a huge sacrifice and something a lot of people couldn't even imagine doing! I have worked so hard to get to where I am today in my career, I studied full time and also worked full time, it definitely wasn't easy and their where sacrifices made then to! A lot of people helped me out through that time. Family, friends and John where my rocks! Sometimes I look back and wonder why or how John stuck by my side haha! I'm glad he did though because he is still here sticking by me now in my biggest journey yet! I also just want to rant about how appreciative I am of the many people in my life that support me (you know who you are). John has put me first by allowing me to go part-time!! 

Financially it will take a toll and for the first time I won't be contributing to the full amount that I want to be and if you know me, this is very hard to comprehend. I like to know that I am pulling my weight as you could say! It may take some adjusting and some very tight budgeting but it really is worth it! It doesn't have to be forever, I have my whole life ahead of me and for now the time is right to look out for number one and take some time out to focus on my health and the bigger picture on planning and preparing for our family! 

I wish like anything that this wasn't happening the way that it is! There is not a day that goes by when I ask myself how can falling pregnant be so hard, people get pregnant all the time -  people who don't even want children end up being pregnant! That's when life is twisted and cruel but that's life I guess! I have to stray away from the thoughts that cross my mind like these and just try to focus on my specific journey and knowing there will be a time for me! 

Every month doesn't get easier, I think it's starting to get harder, I start to believe that my body wants to work the way it should and that it will allow me to fall pregnant, the cycle comes and rules my life. I start the Letrozol pills and then the fun begins of tying in the fertility window! Then after the fertility window and ovulation, time clocks by so slowly the dreaded wait to see if my period will come or if by miracle I conceive! This is the hardest part of the process because as you wait your mind starts to play tricks on you, thinking and praying that this month will be the month for you!  

It's hard to stay positive and it's hard to stop your mind wandering and thinking of all the possibilities that you might actually be pregnant! Then the negative side comes waving in and tells you to stop dreaming, every other month it hasn't worked so what are the chances and why would it be any different this month?! 

The real positive right now is how I am feeling mentally, I feel like myself again, physically I feel more energetic and enthusiastic starting to find the real Hayley before this journey over took my life! Emotionally I feel I am in a much healthier head space and mindset! A few months back I was grieving and it takes time to come to terms with a loss.  

You never know how you will handle something until it's happening. I do know that I am stronger than what I give myself credit for and I do know I have learnt a lot about the person I am and who I want to be! I will be continuing to keep pushing forward and holding on to what I want in life.

  "Smile often, think positively, give thanks, laugh loudly, love others and dream big".

Look at how far you have come!!

You have to look at how far you have come and not at how far you have got to go...  It's about moving forward and not remaining where you are most comfortable.  

I guess this is true for my own journey, I have come so far with my health and I have learnt so much about myself as a person through all of this mess! Yes, I will call it a mess because in all honesty I don't know what else to call it! I am starting to go through the waves of bitterness, the green-eyed monster is starting to leer. So many baby announcements appear all over my news feed; Instagram shares photos of all these cute babies, people announcing their baby’s gender in all these amazing ways! And all I can dream of is maybe one day I myself will be doing these things! It certainly starts to take its toll when you already have names for your babies picked out. When you have dreamed of what they might look like and you can picture yourself being a mum and holding them tight and feeling complete!

I need to hold on to hope that one day it will happen for me and for John! It's not an easy road to be on, it's hard to switch off your feelings and all your emotions tied in with this journey but for now we have a plan, and a plan is better than nothing, a plan means we are taking action and moving forward. 

We have gone to see the fertility clinic in Hamilton where we met with a lovely man who is one of the specialists, and he was able to provide us with information and answers that I have longed to hear! 

Our blood results where all tested and analysed to give them a great insight to what they were dealing with and to find out why I may not be falling pregnant! Our results came back good considering a few hormonal ones where off due to my PCOS and my cortisol hormone was through the roof! Adrenaline increases your heart rate, elevates your blood pressure and boosts energy supplies. Cortisol, the primary stress hormone, increases sugars (glucose) in the bloodstream, enhances your brain's use of glucose and increases the availability of substances that repair tissues.

Your body is hard-wired to react to stress in ways meant to protect you against threats from predators and other aggressors. Such threats are rare today, but that doesn't mean that life is free of stress. Stress can consume your life if you let it. Stress is everywhere, it can be as simple as stressing about money worries, how you look, or what you should be doing with your life! I stress a lot! I know I do! I am the first one to worry about anything that might be going on with me or around me or even if it's in the future! I have always been this way it's like I have been hard wired with anxiety and can easily be wound up, leading me to carry all of life's burdens along for the ride! I wish it was simple for me to switch of and let life play out the way it should however I need to feel like I have control over my own life and what happens in it! This is also why I have found this whole journey hard as I have wanted a baby for so long and it hasn't happened. It isn’t happening the way that I thought it would and it may have to happen in other ways which will take the control from me entirely! 

I had been feeling very beaten and defeated for a while now, struggling to face each day as it starts. I have honestly felt like I’ve been drowning some days, it can take all my strength and all of me to get through each day! I would have nothing left to give anyone or myself by the time 5pm rolled around! This, to me, was ruling my life! I hated feeling this way, I hated what I was becoming, I was not happy, I was not who I thought I was! That is why something had to give! Being provided with the freedom and support to go part-time in my career has helped me in more ways than one! After only a week I have felt this new energy that was lost for so long, I feel more human and alive, I feel happy and carefree and I don't feel so consumed with a million things to do on my list! It certainly has arrived at the right time of my life too. I needed this now more than ever! The next six months are going to be about looking after me!! Being aware of what I need and taking time out to nourish and look after myself! 

The plan of attack looking ahead for the future never felt so bright! I am more determined than ever that the next six months will work for John and I! I have placed all the right steps in action and I couldn't do more even if I tried! I will be carrying on my monitored Letrozol cycles until the end of the year or further notice! I have been placed on the public waiting list for a Laparoscopy. This is a surgery that uses a thin, lighted tube put through a cut in the belly to look at the abdominal organs or the female pelvic organs. Laparoscopy is used to find problems such as cysts, adhesions, fibroids, and infection. Tissue samples can be taken for biopsy through the tube (laparoscope). This is going to be done to rule out anything else that may be going on inside of me that is preventing myself from falling pregnant! Once this is done we will know more and I will get more information :) 

Then if there is no luck for John and I within the next six months we will be looking at undergoing IVF treatments and starting our journey down that road. 

So, there is our plan and knowing we have a plan in place is comforting, there is a lot of unknowns that come along with this journey! I know that I am doing what Is right for me and for John at this present time.

I know that I am trying to stay positive and on track with the present and how my life is unfolding now. I try not to get excited for my future and the possibilities of our babies because I am scared of what is to come and what the outcome will be! I know I will have to face it all again when the time comes but for now life is about me and John and our fur babies and looking out for one another, trying not to lose hope and the love we have for one another!! It's a long hard road, but we will get through it together! 

"Someday, everything will make perfect sense. So, for now laugh at the confusion, smile through all the tears, and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason". 

You have to put yourself first, do what is right for you, don't expect change if your not willing to change!

Hey guys so after dwelling on my last blog post and having some time to re gather my thoughts and my emotions and my own head spaceI have put some plans in place in order to help balance my life and the consistent ruler that is .. the pursuit of the positive! I got pretty down and life got really challenging but this is my journey and I need to go along with the ride. 

With out knowing or wanting This journey to rule your life it slowly but surely does I just need to not let it take over who I am and let it define who I am as a person. Easier said then done I'm discovering! 

During this process their are appointments, doctors, specialists, blood tests , phone calls, drugs, scans, waiting times , then hit repeat on all of that every month! So every month plays out the same and in the Same pattern it's a repetitive cycle .. 

so for 17 days of the month I'm taking drugs to help produce a period , then I'm taking drugs to help me ovulate then I'm having scans to see if the ovulation has occurred and then I'm taking blood tests to follow up on my hormone levels and then the dreaded wait to see if my body decided to work this round and bring me my miracle baby! 

However each round has been a rip roaring roller coaster to say the least.   The drugs that I am on do mess around with my body, my body is very un predictable as it is and now it's even worse I have all different sorts of Things occurring within the month, un explained pains in my stomach , dirahora . ovulation cramps as the drugs are strong and need to be so they can stimulate my ovulation to Happen I have waves of dissiness ,  tiredness, fatigue! Pms when I want to cry all day or be mad at everyone in the world ! Sometimes it's just to much and I want to run away and hide! But I have worked out that's easier said then done too ! Reality is you can not hide , you have to stand up and face it all ! Every bit of shitness life throws your way, you have to stand Their and take it ! 

It makes you the person you are! 

I started to do some investigating I have started to look at options for John and i , when things are broken you try to fix them , I feel like I am broken in a way and I need to fix me! And I will try my best in any way I can to do so!  I will seek out all the information I can and try and find all the right people and avenues to help us along our journey!  

I have been on the drugs my specialist suggested to go On ! Her suggestion was for five rounds and if that wasn't going to work we would need to consider looking at ivf this has always stuck in the back of my mind now the time is running out for our five rounds andit's time I seek some help!  

We have now found ourselves working with the fertility association in Hamilton, I referred myself as I always do! I rung up made appointments and arranged times to meet! Some may not know how the appointments work with these clinics or these specialists or these scan times! It doesn't really matter what time you ask to see them or when it best suits you ! It's you get a time a date and an appointment and you need to take it or leave it! Simple as that ! Or that specific day and time, you have to go because that's your cycle! 

Hmm not that simple when you have a job to too ! I think they forget that we still have a life and we still need to pay pills in order to pay for the treatments and life!  I was finding it super stressful being rung and told that this is the date and this is the time especially in my role and my job it's not that simple to just leave when ever I like I work in ratios ! 

This was bringing a lot of unwanted and added stress to my life and Initially this is just the beginning my journey is only starting.. it's going to get harder from hear and I needed to acknowledge this , and I needed to acknowledge how I was feeling , I needed to start putting myself first and my family ( my awaiting family ) I have made the decsion to go part time at work! And I believe this is going to be beneficial not only for my health my well being but my emotional state of mind and for me in general I was starting to break! I could feel little pieces of me dying a little on the inside! John was having to deal with a lot and lift me up when I was at my weakest! Going along this journey isn't just my battle it's Johns to he has to face all of this too he doesn't physically have to do anything that I have to to but he emotionally does and he has to be the brave and the optimistic one and the positive one because sure as hell i'm not all of those things at times !  

It's really hard on a relationship and I fucking hate that we are going through this ( sorry for the swearing) but in all honesty this is fucking hard ! We have just recently married and our married life has been consumed with shitty blow after blow I just want some positive news to come our way! I would like to say we should take a break for while however that's not going to achieve anything we have a goal in mind we want our family so we do have to keep on going and doing everything in our power to make that happen for us !  

So long story short we have had our meeting with the specialist at the fertility clinic we have both been checked bloods and everything like that and we had a really informative chat about our next journey and I will continue to fill you all in on this in the next blog to come ! 

"Life will only change when you become more committed to your dreams than you are to your comfort zone". 

Ride the wave of emotions and find the Positive's!

Well my intention for this blog was to write down all my feelings and all my emotions associated with this journey!

Some blogs are harder to talk about then others and a lot of people who are reading these blogs are getting a great insight into my personal life, some say it's brave and its a courageous thing I am doing, however some days I wonder if I should have opened up at all. 

It is hard to talk about these things,  but in hind sight it's provided me with a supportive network of women, friends and strangers that are a compete blessing! For anyone going through this Journey you know to well how isolating it is and how tough it can be! To talk to someone about how I feel or to write it down is going to be  better then carrying the burden around right ? 

I guess it makes it easier as I do love to talk, I am very honest, sometimes to honest for my own good.  I am a sharer and I do like to talk about my feelings, which John learnt very quickly.  John and I are completely opposites  when it comes to talking and sharing feelings, I have to say and express for the both of us.  But we are working on it.... 

Here's a bit of a rant and where my head space is currently at , I am surrounded By children every single day of my life I'm an early childhood teacher! some times i think i am bloody MAD

do you??

 How can I do this for a job when I long for a child of my own ! At first when I was younger it was the greatest job of my life ! The passion was their it was great! i was young and care free just like them.

Now as each day passes I feel like I die a little inside, why is it that I can look after all these beautiful children but I can't have one of my own! these rays of sunshine I spent my days with, that put a smile on my face or make me angry sometimes all leave me at the end of the day, and I don't have my own to make up for it. 

There are many days when I feel sad, mad and just want to scream that life is not fair! Hay I'm probably not the only one that has these moments from time to time! Recently I have started to feel an empty feeling within, I feel sad and alone and sometime just really angry. 

I don't ever want this journey to ever define who I am !

I'm starting to lose the ability to be me to focus on myself ! We do everything in our power for other people but what do we ever do for ourselves , we turn up to work , we work for some one else, we try and please everyone around us and make sure they are okay,  your life falls in to a constant routine and slowly you start to lose sight of the one person that truly matters at the end of the day. 

 I don't do much for myself , when i really think about it i have lost all my hobbies or the things that i once use to like doing or loved.   I don't actually know what I want to do for myself but I know I'm missing something.  Something that can help distract or ease my mind , I use to be a gym junkie however that phase in my life came to a roaring stop when all of this happend early in the year .. do I need to find time for the gym again , yoga , walks , mediation. !  for any one  of you reading this feel free to let me know what you all take time to do for yourselves ? I may see the light..   

At the time of the miscarriage I was not in a healthy mind set I was extremely heart broken, I thought that it  was our chance to by pass all this bull shit ! and all the stuff to follow... 

I honestly think I'm slightly depressed! I didn't know how or why people got depressed and often would tell myself that i don't think I would ever get depressed!

But it's not that simple. People don't get to choose whether or not they want to be depressed. Situations and circumstances put people under huge strains mentally physically , emotionally and even financially  ! Everyone has something going on in their life's it's how you cope with what's going on or how much u can handle! Honestly some people get dealt so much bull shit in their life , they have to go through so much pain and hurt and I truly admire all these people and I know so many that have had to battle through the darkest of days and they still show up! 

In a way knowing their are struggles in life that others go through makes me realise I to can grow from this journey and I'm on this road not because I would have ever chosen it for myself but because I'm sure I wouldn't be going through this if I couldn't handle it ! 

Isn't their a quote that once said god doesn't give you anything that your not stronger enough to handle !" he will not let you be tested beyond your strength but with your testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it”

I guess I have to refer to this in some way and try to understand that in all of this their may be a good reason! Hmm for those who know me, you know i wont be relying on god to answer my prayers any time soon tho. 

However I do believe people get to choose whether or not they will let their battles define them ! I have come to the conclusion that I am not living with a healthy mindset! That I have let everything and everyone have an effect on me!  I am seeking food as my comfort and putting myself into danger of falling back into unhealthy habits! I know that I am doing this and I know how I'm feeling, and I know why I am feeling this way yet I don't know what the answer is to help me!!  I know I'm stronger then this and this journey has taught me I have to be ! I know I can get through all of these emotions and negative mindsets and only I have the power to do that ! 

Losing this baby has effected me in more ways then I thought it would , It's made me lose my mind! I often read or heard about people having miscarriages and I would say to myself aw that's so sad, and then you know that would be that, i would say to myself poor them ,I hope that never happens to me!  but as the saying goes you will never know how to feel or how it would feel if u are not the one experiencing it! 

It's not actually the miscarriage as such that I am finding hard to process, its whats going on mentally and emotionally , it's the process of trying for a baby and being un successful time an time again ! It's emotionally draining, weeks tick by and you hold on to every chance that month was going to be your month ! However your dreams and hopes get crushed time and time again! 

I try my hardest to be brave and strong and some people have even told me that I am these things, but honestly there are moments when these words don't exist in my vocabulary! I am really good at putting a smile on my face and I'm good at coasting along with life, hay I have pretty much winged everything in life so far! When you look at my life you may actually think I have it all worked out and it's pretty A okay and perfect , but I have learnt really quickly never judge a book by its cover ! 

Don't get me wrong I am so forever grateful and I am very blessed to have the life that I live and man it is pretty AMAZING  but it's Missing a key element to it!  The life my husband and I are creating and have made for each other is all been set up and planned for, so we can add to it!        And man are we ready for a miracle! 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦

But Hey instead of dwelling on the what if's and the what's to come.....

I need to take a step back in to the present and look at all the amazing things around me that I do have ! And what I am fortunate to have and that is a lot!

 I don't have any control over the journey that I am on , I need to let go and ride along with it ,  focus on the positives that are right in front of me and foucs on what I can and do have control over :) 

You'll always be my favorite "what if"

So this is quite a personal blog post in regards to talking about my own personal experience with my miscarriage! 

so if you didn't already gather from the previous post the miracle that John and I were hoping for did not go ahead! We ended up having an un successful pregnancy which in fact has a medical term of a missed miscarriage 

A missed miscarriage, also known as a silent miscarriage, occurs when a fetus dies, but the body does not recognize the pregnancy loss or expel the pregnancy tissue. As a result, the placenta may still continue to release hormones, so the woman may continue to experience signs of pregnancy.

A missed miscarriage is usually diagnosed during a routine checkup, where the doctor will fail to detect a heartbeat. A subsequent ultrasound will show an underdeveloped fetus.

Signs of Missed Miscarriage = A missed miscarriage is often known as a silent miscarriage because women generally do not have common miscarriage symptoms, such as vaginal bleeding, heavy cramping, or expulsion of fetal tissue. With a missed miscarriage, the placenta may still release hormones, which can continue the signs of pregnancy for women. However, some women may notice that their pregnancy symptoms, like breast tenderness, nausea, or fatigue, may disappear. Some may also have brownish or red vaginal discharge. Doctors can diagnose missed miscarriages by lack of a fetal heartbeat and an ultrasound that will show an underdeveloped fetus. 

Rates of Missed Miscarriage = Approximately one percent of all pregnancies will result in a missed miscarriage. Around 20 percent of pregnancies will result in miscarriage.

Missed Miscarriage Causes= Most missed miscarriages are caused by chromosomal abnormalities in the fetus, which do not allow the pregnancy to develop.

I thought finding out that you Were pregnant was suppose to be the happiest time of your life ! Seeing those two pink lines has been something I have dreamed about! However when I saw these two lines I had no time or room to get excited or be happy about this journey. 

When my bloods came back from the 2nd blood test it showed my hcg levels where sitting at a very low level this could be explained by only being very early pregnant which at first they put it down to I literally did find out I was pregnant as early as you possibly can! The specialist had said that I could have only just conceived and that we would have to wait and see how it progressed.  

My body was very sensitive to this foreign thing being in my body that I did know something was going on ! The weekend before going to the specialist appointment on the following Monday I spent the whole weekend in bed blaming my symptoms on a cold but actually I was just exhausted and honestly could not get out of bed! It's all obvious now! 

I was monitored for two and half weeks having blood tests every second day to check my hcg Levels this in itself was mentally and emotionally draining as I knew that this wasn't normal, I knew the specialist was worried and that she was not hopeful for the outcome of this pregnancy ! 

I have been informed about the chance of having a miscarriage but I always took it with a grain of salt, I thought  this wouldn't happen to me! I have heard about women having a miscarriage and I would think  omg that's so sad. I never thought I would have to experience this !

It's true that you never know what it feels like to experience something like this until it's happening to you ! I honestly can say my heart goes out to all the women who are grieving the loss of their already loved baby!  Because yes from the moment I found out I was pregnant, I was already thinking about what colour I wanted to paint the room , what names John and I would be fighting over! 

However that all changed as the weeks went on and the testing and the appointments kept on coming! It was clear to see where this was heading and it was going to be a matter of when...  

It was an emotional roller coaster that lasted way longer then it should. On my first scan we where only able to see a small sack which was okay as i was very early on it wasn't till our second scan a few weeks later when the sack had grown but nothing had to continue to grow in it,  was when I thought it would all be over ! The specialist had said we would miscarry and to wait a week or two and it will happen it self !  

 Well she was very wrong and weeks went past and nothing was happening I knew something was wrong I knew it wasn't going to happen by itself. this is where I took it upon myself to seek help from another specialist and by doing this I have found an amazing doctor who has been a huge support to john and myself. 

Well my feeling was right my body had missed the chance to miscarry by itself and now it needed medical intervention I then had to make some choices to have a dnc or take a pill to bring it all on! I chose to take the pill as I thought it would be less invasive.

However I didn't ask all the questions I should have and if I had been given all the information about the pill and what it would have been like for me I would have opted for the surgery ! I will not go into detail about the pill and how it all happened and and what I went through during the miscarriage but if anyone is wanting to know I will share. Feel free to ask ! 

So I had the miscarriage and I was in the hospital,  that is when I learnt that I also had a very rare blood type which required me to have an injection called an anti D.

This injection needs to be given within 72 hours of a miscarriage to prevent the formation of antibodies that could make a subsequent pregnancy difficult. For example if you are blood group A rhesus negative , and your partner is bloody group o positive then the chances that the fetus is a rhesus positive blood group too ! This does not matter to either mother or baby while the pregnancy remains intact but should there be any bleeding as with a miscarriage, by exposing the mothers blood supply to the fetus the mother then develops antibodies to rhesus blood which will remain in her system forever causing her no harm, then during a subsequent pregnancy. These existing antibodies will be hostile to the developing fetus blood supply. It is a manageable situation, but one that is best an simply avoided by giving rhesus negative mothers an injection which prevents them creating the antibodies in the first place.  

If anyone would like to talk to me more about the anti D, feel free too, I was also very weary of allowing them to inject me with this blood injection , but after reading and researching it I now understand it was in my best interest. 

In the lead up and after the miscarriage I had to go about my days as usual and this is one of the hardest parts of it, life still Carries on, even when you don't want to! I guess that's how I got through all of this, I could choose to sit and dwell on everything that has happened or I could push through and move forward!

Don't get me wrong I went through some really bad days and I couldn't of done it without the support of my husband and family and friends that I shared our news with! 

I found it a very lonely road due to my own emotions, yes no one can truly understand how you may be feeling and I know this to well, this is why I have chosen to share my journey and my story as I have learnt that it's okay to talk about this , and if anyone reading my blog needs that sound board to talk too , I'm right here!  

" I am learning to trust the journey even when I do not undertsand it" 

Accept what is, let go of what was, have faith in what will be.

On April the 4th 2017 I received a phone call from med lab! My results had come back from my bloods that where taken on Monday after seeing the specialist!

On the other end of the phone,  a lady began to talk she said " Hayley it looks like your hcg levels are a little high which could mean that this is a sign that you are pregnant, we are going to need to test these levels Again with you to confirm " you are going to need to come in straight away 

I was absolutely shocked I honestly didn't know how to react to this , I did not expect that i would be hearing these words come out of her mouth. 

I will set the scene for you all ....... 

I am at work it's just an ordinary day looking after the children , John was in Christchurch working and living as he had for the whole of 2016 , he had been asked to work in cch for another month before coming home for good ! I took the phone call out the back in the staff room, in Complete shock and confusion and all the other emotions going on inside me I contained myself walked out to my colleagues and told them that I needed to go straight away to med lab and get some blood work done !  No one second guessed me or was suspicious as most of them all know my history ! 

I left so quickly out the door , phoning John as soon as I got to the car , I told him that I was on my way to get my bloods done as they think there could b a chance we where pregnant ! John didn't really know what to say , just that we should wait to hear back from the doctors ! He's the sensible and realistic one in our relationship , he keeps me grounded  and boy do I need him a lot, this journey throws you curve balls all the bloody time and you need to stay positive and strong, at least I have John who can do that for the both of us!

As I wait to get my bloods taken again, for the second time this week I hand over my other arm as I already have a bruise appearing from the last blood test ! I never look when the needles go in , the lady asks if I'm okay and I say yes but really I'm super overwhelmed ! I'm facing all of this on my own, this is not how I pictured this to happen , my husband was so far away from me! And I really needed him by my side! 

I went back to work feeling really uneasy , could I be pregnant, or is it my body being super fucked up ! can a blood test be wrong, so many thoughts were running through my mind, yet I had to remain calm and carry on with the day ahead. 

I couldn't wait any longer I New they wouldn't have my blood results back for awhile so the next day I brought a pregnancy test , I was on the late shift at work finishing at 5 30 and I was meeting one of my best friends at the movies for a movie date at 6 ! There was no time in between  to take this pregnancy test as it was a rush from Work to get to the movies on time! 

Once arriving at the movies I could not contain myself I blurted out all of what had happened to me in the past 24 hours, my friend was super excited about the news and screamed with delight! I told her I had a test in my handbag as I wanted to confirm it for myself as I hadn't heard from the second round of bloods ! 

So I never thought or imagined that I would be taking a pregnancy test in the movie theater toilets before watching beauty and the beast ! Yes Crazy I know what a story to tell .

I couldn't wait till I got home the suspense was killing me ! I went to the Toilet peed on the stick ! Placed it inside my hand bag and went out to meet my friend ! Once in the movie I told my friend I had not checked the test as I was letting it process, I waiteda. few minutes ! A few minutes had passed and my friend was getting just as nervous as I was , she made me look at the test ..... after the amount of pregnancy tests I have taken in my life I thought this was going to read the same as it always does! 

However for the first time in my life this test read 1- 2 weeks pregnant ! I dropped the test ! Started to cry.

 My friend started to cry, she went to hug me ! We must of looked rather ridiculous in the movies acting in this way! 

How on earth can I sit through this bloody movie after finding this out ! I chucked my phone to the bottom of my bag , I knew John would be ringing and messaging me asking for the latest updates , and he was ..

the whole drive home after the movie I was trying to think up cute little ways to announce to John that we where having a baby. Once I arrived home I was so excited to get on the phone , to see him to hear him and to tell him our amazing news ! The best way I came up with in such short notice was to face time him and show him the pregnancy stick so that he could see and read for himself 😀 I held up the pregnancy test !! 

John was in complete shock just as I was!! But also very excited that we where finally pregnant...

However it was all not meant to be, not this time! so the journey continues. More to follow in the next few blog posts. 

 I have to learn to see the positive in every situation and not give up hope. After all good things come to those who wait! XX

Advocate for you!

This is the post that will bring you all up to speed on why in fact I did start to share my story! I said before I always wanted to, however the timing was always wrong and now i feel it is right and I am ready to take you all along in our journey.. 

My mum use to tell me in my teenage years don't even sniff a boy you will end up pregnant! For my mum she was as fertile as ever, from an early teen I had numerous chats with my mum about using protection and how she didn't want me to end up being a teen parent! Not saying there is  anything at all wrong about being a teen mum it's just I had a plan ! I always have a plan!

You know the whole get a career, travel , find love , settle down get married and have babies !

Bang , TICK I have been successful in all but one of these areas !! 

I think it's a women trait you start to look at your life in years! I use to have a picture in my head that I would be 25 married and with a baby on the way! But reality kicks in and sometimes things are completely left out of your control ! 

Life hits u right where it hurts sometimes and no matter how much of a control freak you are about your plan , you may just have to watch it slip away and watch it from the side line! 

I guess you could say I was lucky in a way , I found out early that it was going to be tricky for me to conceive!  I have been able to get myself prepared and organised for the steps I need to put in place ! Others may not find out they have issues with fertility until much further on in their life's ! I can promise you that it hasn't made this journey any easier, as I have Been on one hell of a journey from a very young age and had to think about things that others may not have even considered or put it their five year radar!

Timing is everything people always tell me. It will happen when your not trying. Don't stress, it will happen when it happens or your still so young ! All these words are great I prob have said them myself to others and I try to say them to myself, but unfortunately for me and my current situation I would rather not hear them! You know in your heart when you are ready to be a mum and more often then not women have this feeling and they decide the time is right for a baby and ta da baby is arriving nine months later, but for others and for myself no such luck! 😂

 the hurt can be left written all over your face when u see someone you know announcing their pregnancy or even a friend telling you they are pregnant ! Do not get me wrong I am so fucking pleased for everyone who genially wants to have children and over the moon for them that they are able to have a baby ! As I know first hand having a baby is hard for some!  I just can't wait for it to be our turn. 

So here goes... last year in 2016 I had this feeling I knew I wanted to become a mum more then ever!!  I knew my odds where against me with having pcos so I went back to the gynecologist who I had refereed myself too back when I was younger.  This talk when something like this... I want to try for a baby I have not been on the pill for about six years , we don't use protection and I'm still very irregular with my periods! I believe I ovulate but who knows I'm starting to second guess everything about my body at this stage, and I'm laying it all on the table waiting for a quick fix! 

She replies with we will start a round of drugs first to try and stimulate ovulation because my bloods at this stage showed that I was not ovulating At all. This was very daunting at first getting prescribed another does of drugs! I was to take them four times a day everyday. So I started straight away!

First couple of days I was experiencing some of the side effects that came with taking metforimn I had the runs and I was shitting up a storm! This however was not fun because it mostly occurred in the mornings following on from taking the morning pills. My bowels would decide that it was the best time to want to go just as I was suppose to leave for work! I was late a few times because of this issue! Not to mention it's incredibly embarrassing but so fucking inconvenient! After awhile I got over having the lose bowl motions and then came the acne, not to mention I had my wedding to start preparing for, my face turned so bad three moths prior to my wedding I stopped taking the drugs and focused on cleaning up my face , my pimples did luckily enough calm down before my big day! I paid a fortune on skin products for the next three months trying to repair the damage the pimples had done on my face!  Of course i got pretty much all the side effects you get oh the joys of being me! 

As I have become very aware the fertility drugs that specialists give out all have side effects and all women will experience different things! Some may not get any, some may get every single one!  I knew at that time for me it was better for my body and for me to have a break and focus on the wedding.  After the wedding I went back to my specialist to see what the next plan of attack would be! I was more then ready after the wedding to have a baby to add to our family! 

So one month pretty much to the date of our wedding day I had John and I booked into see the specialist, John was coming with me for the first time. I don't think he really knew what he was in for. This place always with out fail breaks me! I turn into a ball of mess I wear my heart on my sleeve as some may say and my emotions are all over the place! It doesn't take me long and I'm already crying I remember!  

We all start Talking about how long I have been talking the drugs what has been happening, she is pretty cut throat and starts taking in medical terms.  she has expressed that it would be in our best interest (mine) if I start some more fertility drugs to go along with the metfoiumn and help with ovulating , and stimulating a period! 

When I have done my own research I had heard all about these drugs and I was often wondering to myself when I was going to be placed on these. 

So we got a brief overall on what we where to be doing for the next six or longer months if we wished to keep going ! But pretty much we where told that we would do five rounds of using these drugs and if my body hadn't clicked it looked like the next route for us would be to go and do IVF so the water works came on again as those worlds where spelled out ! 

not because I am afraid of IVF it would just sadden me that I wasn't able to do what the human women body should naturally do! It takes a long time to get over being cruel to your body, I have come along way I did use to blame my body for being a complete piece of shit and hate it for not working properly! But that doesn't and won't help my situation I have to learn to appreciate it and accept it for what it does do well! well learning to love myself is who different blog post on its own! its super hard to love yourself when you struggle with the negative thoughts that arise in your head most days because you cant get your body to perform  how it should be in order for you to conceive naturally. its a battle i am yet to win!  

 So after being dealt all of this information in the 15 minute session we had, I told her before I start these drugs I wanted a follow up blood test to see where my body was at and if there was anything else going on that we should be aware of ! I didn't want to rely on the last years information, things with my body change dramatically I have my really good days and my really dull days. I know i have to stand up for myself, in this situation it is you alone fighting this battle and I have become so in tune with my body and how sensitive it is!!. 

 She dismissed my request and told me that I don't need another blood test done and we knew all that we need too know ! I stood my ground and requested that it was to be done and I told her I feel a little bit tired and just weird so I would like to have them done! She asked if I would be pregnant I laughed and said no, I also didn't think in a million years that I would be pregnant.

or was i ?? 

"A strong woman stands up for herself, A stronger woman stands up for everybody else" 

Kindness in strangers who I now call friends! (In pursuit for that positive)

I now have come to the conclusion that it is up to me to get myself the help that I need. It is up to me to find the answers and to get my health, mind and body back as I lost myself for awhile! 

My early twenties were about coping with my diagnose and managing my symptoms.  I discovered a lot during this phase of my life, I learnt a lot about myself and other people. Thankfully I have the biggest support system around me and I have learnt to really open up to everyone I meet. my friends and family know the ins and the outs about everything that goes on in my life! I'm not one to hide how I'm feeling or what I'm going through! Because of this I have been able to seek advice, gain knowledge, meet people and discover new ways of medicine! and now share all of this journey with you all. I know their are a  lot of women out there going through similar experiences such as mine and most find it very difficult to share, I want others to be able to read about my journey and know they are not alone in this experience. My own journey may even help someone who really needs it. 

This is where the people come in to my life, that I spoke about earlier. I was introduced to a lovely woman who practices kinesiology and treats you with homeopathic remedies. It was a new way of medicine for me and I was super excited to try it out and see what it did for my health.  Well within a couple of months I was greeted with a period and my physical and emotional well being was lifted, I was able to communicate my feelings and negative attachments away! 

The feeling of not having to take pill after pill day in and day out that doctors prescribe you was enough for me to keep going back ! Still to this day I see this lady, I honestly can say she's a gift, and I am very fortunate to have met her and have her help, support and love along my journey!  I do just want to pin point that along the way I have had bumps and nothing in life is clear cut and simple, I do lose my period always due to the condition but my hormones have become balanced, I started to mentally feel a lot healthier and stable and have a greater out look for the future! This year has been a lot different and I have had to rely on a pill from my specialist to bring on a period for me as i have been missing them recently.  

For anyone who is reading this and they feel emotionally and physically exhausted or need a balance I urge you to seek a homeopathic it will change your life! 

I found out through a friend about a lady who hooked you on to a machine that some how read your body and told you about allergies, sickness and health related issues so I tried her out! During this session yes I did find out a shit ton of information and was in disbelieve that from this machine she picked up on my health issues and how my body felt before I even got the chance to talk and tell her about it!  

I listened to her concerns about my health , I took on board some of her advice , she prescribed me a shit ton of vitamins and minerals and told me I was allergic to this, this and that!  For awhile I lived a very strict diet trying to avoid all the foods she said I shouldn't eat, took or my vitaminsand minerals and noticed a bit of a change! I kept up at this for awhile until I decided that it was time for me to really start listening to my body , what was it that my body was telling me ! I tuned in and I discovered that your body can tell you a lot. I started introducing most of the foods back in to my diet, only to find that yes my body doesn't like cheese , milk or most dairy products and I'm prob not allergic to them it's just my body doesn't agree with it! I can still eat them I just pay the price! Later as I learnt more about my p c o s I learnt that women with this condition shouldn't eat dairy products As it feeds the condition, your body has a weird way of rejecting and telling you what you should be putting inside it.  You just have to be listening! 

I carried on listening and staying in tune to my body rather then listening to what others may say! It's good to have their input and their guidance but at the end of the day it's your body, you do know it the best!  

So as my journey continues I seek out new methods of medicine and find more amazing people to help me with my road to becoming a mum! Which brings me to Chinese medicine/ the way of the future !!! 

Well I was introduced to a lovely man who I see weekly now 😀 I get Acupuncture and Chinese medicine which are a in form of herbs which a specifically made for you! In the short time I have been going to this lovely man I have seen huge transformations to my health!! He would tell me he was cleaning out my ovaries and we have been working on getting my body to ovulate naturally! I honestly feel a huge difference to my health each time i see him and get his treatments.  The more i read about fertility issues and do my own research women have now been opting for acupuncture, seeking out fertility acupuncture. If you are thinking about this i urge you to try it, give it a chance. 

I have become so open with new methods and medicines that I am willing to try things out , you know when you want something bad enough, you don't let anything stop you ! What I have learnt throughout my journey is that I am tough, and I am a fighter! When I want something as much as I want to be mother there is nothing that i won't do!

If  there is anyone who is reading this blog who has tried other ways to conceive feel free to share with me, as i continue to try, test and seek out methods. 

"Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love." 

Lao - Tzu